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R  H  Y  M  E  ? 
AND      REASON? 


*'  Ui-OX   A    HATTLRMKNT 


[See  p.   30. 


RHYME? 
AND     REASON? 


BY 

LEWIS     CARROLL 


WITH    SIXTY-FIVE    ILLUSTRATIONS 

RY 

ARTHUR    B.    FROST 

AND     NINE 

BY 

HENRY    HOLIDAY 


3:  i)aijE   \\^\  nor  rfjgmc  nor ,  rpsmi 


MACMILLAN    AND    CO. 
1884. 


Inscribed  to  a  har  C^ilb: 

in  numorg  of  goliren  summer  hours 

auir  fajl^ispcrs  of  a  summer  sea. 


Girt  with  a  boyish  garb  for  boyish  task, 

Eager  she  \vie!ds  her  spade  :  yet  loves  as  well 
Rest  on  a  friendly  knee,  intent  to  ask 
The  tale  one  loves  to  tell. 


Rude  scoffer  of  the  seething  outer  strife. 

Unmeet  to  read  her  pure  and  simple  spright 
Deem,  if  thou  wilt,  such  hours  a  waste  of  life. 
Empty  of  all  delight  ! 


Chat  on.  sweet  Maid,  and  rescue  from  annoy 
Hearts  that  by  wiser  talk  are  unbeguiled  ; 
Ah,  happy  he  who  owns  that  tenderest  joy. 
The  heart-love  of  a  child  : 


Away,  fond  thoughts,  and  vex  my  soul  no  more  : 
Work  claims  my  wakeful  nights,  my  busy  day 
Albeit  bright  memories  of  that  sunlit  shore 
Yet  haunt  my  dreaming  gaze  : 


269513 


[Of  the  followirg  poems,  Echoes,  A  Game  of  Fives, 
the  last  three  of  the  Four  Riddles,  and  Fame's  Penny- 
Trumpet,  are  here  published  lor  the  first  time.  The 
others  have  all  appeared  before,  as  have  also  the  illustra- 
tions to  The   Hunting  of  the  Snark.] 


CONSENTS. 

PAG3 

Phantasmagoria,  in  Seven  Cantos:  — 

I.  Ci}C  Ergstgttg i 

II.  I^gs  JFgijc  Icvulcs lo 

III.  ^Scarmogcs i8 

IV.  f^gs  i^ourgture 26 

V.  Bgckcrmcnt ~ .    .   .    .  34 

VI.  Dgscomfgturc 44 

VII.  5'ati  5oubcnauncc 53 

Echoes 58 

A  Sea  Dirge 59 

^^  (Elarpcttc  Itnggfjtc 64 

Hiawatha's  Photographing 66 

Melancholetta 78 

A  Valentine 84 

The  Three  Voices  :— 

Z\)e  Jftrst  Foicc 87 

Cf}c  .Srconti  Foicc  .    .   .  • 98 

Cl)f  Z\)ixti  Foire 109 


XII  CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

TtMA  Con  Variazio.m uS 

A  Game  of  Fives 120 

POETA    FIT,    NON    NASCITUR I23 

The  Hunting  of  the  Snark,  an  Agony  in  Eight  Fits: — 

I.  The  Landing 134 

II.  The  Bellman's  Speech 142 

][I.  The  Baker's  Tale 148 

IV.  The  Hunting     153 

V\  The  Beaver's  Lesson 159 

VI.  The  Barrister's  Dream      167 

VII.  The  Banker's  Fate 173 

VIII,  The  Vanishing 177 

Size  and  Tears 181 

Atalanta  in  Camd^ln  Town 186 

The  Lang  Coortin' 190 

Four  Riddles 202 

Fame's  Penny-Trumpet ,    .    .  211 


PHANTASMAGORIA, 


CANTO     I. 

Cf)e  Eri)!Sitgng. 

One  winter  night,  at  half-past  nine, 

Cold,  tired,  and  cross,  and   muddy 
I  had  come  home,  too  late  to  dine, 
And  supper,  with  cigars  and  wine, 
Was  waiting  in  the  study. 

There  was  a   strangeness  in  the  room, 

And  Something  white  and  wavy 
Was  standing  near  me  in  the  gloom — 
/  took  it  for  the  carpet-broom 
Left  by  that  careless  slavey. 


niANTASMA  GORIA. 


But  presently  the  Thing  began 

To  shiver  and  to  sneeze  : 
On  which  I   said   "  Come,   come,    my  man  ! 
That 's  a  most  inconsiderate  plan. 

Less  noise  there,   if  you  please  !  " 


THE  TRYSTYNG. 

"I've  caught  a  cold,"  the  Thing  repHes, 
"Out  there  upon  the  landing." 

I  turned  to  look  in   some  surprise, 

And  there,   before  my  very  eyes, 
A  little  Ghost  was  standing  ! 

He  trembled  when  he  caught  my  eye, 

And  got  behind  a  chair. 
"  How  came  you  here,"   I  said,   "  and  why  ? 
I  never  saw  a  thing  so  shy. 

Come  out  !     Don't  shiver  there  ! " 

He  said  "  I  'd  gladly  tell  you  how, 

And  also  tell  you  why; 
But "  (here  he  gave  a  little  bow) 
"You're  in  so  bad  a  temper  now. 

You'd  think  it  all  a  lie. 

"And  as  to  being  in  a  fright, 

Allow  me  to  remark 
That  Ghosts  have  just  as  good  a  right, 
In  every  way,   to  fear  the  light, 

As   Men   to  fear  the  dark." 


PHANTASM  A  GORIA. 

"  No  plea,"  said  I,   "  can  well  excuse 

Such  cowardice  in  you  : 
For  Ghosts  can  visit  when   they  choose. 
Whereas  we  Humans  ca'n't  refuse 

To  grant  the  interview." 

He  said   "  A  flutter  of  alarm 

Is  not  unnatural,   is  it  ? 
I  really  feared  you  meant  some  harm : 
But,  now  I  see  that  you  are  calm, 

Let  me  explain  my  visit. 

"Houses  are  classed,  I  beg  to  state, 

According  to  the  number 
Of  Ghosts  that  they  accommodate  : 
(The  Tenant  merely  counts  as  iceight, 

With  Coals  and  other  lumber). 

"This  is  a  'one-ghost'  house,  and  you 

When  you  arrived  last  summer, 
May  have  remarked  a  Spectre  who 
Was  doing  all  that  Ghosts  can  do 
To  welcome  the  new-comer. 


THE  TRYSTYNG. 

"  In  Villas  this  is  always  done — 

However  clieaply  rented : 
For,  though  of  course  there  's  less  of  fun 
When  there  is  only  room  for  one, 

Ghosts  have  to  be  contented. 

"  That  Spectre  left  you  on  the  Third — 

Since  then   you  've  not  been  haunted  : 
For,  as  he  never  sent  us  word, 
'Tvvas  quite  by  accident  we  heard 
That  any  one  was  wanted. 

"  A  Spectre  has  first  choice,   by  right. 

In  filling  up  a  vacancy ; 
Then   Phantom,  Goblin,   Elf,  and  Sprite — 
If  all  these  fail   them,   they  invite 

The  nicest  Ghoul  that  they  can  see. 

"The  Spectres  said  the  place  was  low. 

And  that  you  kept  bad  wine: 
So,  as  a  Phantom  had  to  go. 
And   I  was  first,  of  course,   you  know, 


I   couldn't  well  decline." 


rilANTASMA  GOKIA. 

**No  doubt,"  said  I,   "they  settled  who 

Was  fittest  to  be  sent : 
Yet  still  to  choose  a  brat  like  you, 
To  haunt  a  man  of  forty-two. 

Was  no  great  compliment !  " 

"I'm  not  so  young.   Sir,"   he  replied, 

As  you  might  think.     The  fact  is, 
In  caverns  by  the   water-side, 
And  other  places  that  I  've  tried, 
I've  had  a  lot  of  practice  : 

"But  I  have  never  taken  yet 

A  strict  domestic  part. 
And  in  my  flurry   I   forget 
The  Five  Good  Rules  of  Etiquette 

We  have  to  know  by  heart." 

My  sympathies  were  warming  fast 

Towards  the  little  fellow  : 
He  was  so  utterly  aghast 
At  having  found  a  Man  at  last, 

And  looked  so  scared  and  yellow. 


IM    CAVEKNS    KY    THE    WATF.I:--.inR 


PHANTASM  A  GORIA 

"  At  least,"  I  said,   *'  I  'm  glad  to  find 

A  Ghost  is  not  a  dumb  thing  ! 
But  |)ray  sit  down  :  you  '11  feel  inclined 
(If,  like  myself,  you  have  not  dined) 
To  take  a  snack  of  something : 

"Though,   certainly,   you  don't  appear 

A  thing  to  offer  food  to  ! 
And  then  I  shall  be  glad  to  hear — 
If  you  will  say  them  loud  and  clear — 

The  Rules  that  you  allude  to." 

"Thanks!     You  shall  hear  them  by  and  by 

This  is  a  piece  of  luck  !  " 
"  What  may  I  offer  you  ?  "  said  I. 
"Well,   since  you  ai-e  so  kind,   I'll  try 

A  little  bit  of  duck. 

''  One  slice  !     And  may  I  ask  you  for 

Another  drop  of  gravy  ?  " 
I  sat  and  looked  at  him  in   awe, 
For  certainly  I  never  saw 

A  thing  so  white  and  wavy. 


THE  TRySTYNG, 


And  still  he  seemed  to  grow  more  white, 
More  vapoury,  and  wavier — 

Seen   in   the  dim  and  flickering  ligTit, 

As  he  proceeded  to  recite 

His  "  Maxims  of  Behaviour." 


CANTO     11. 

"  My  First — but  don't  suppose,"  he  sa'd, 

"  I  'm  setting  you  a  riddle — 
Is — if  your  Victim  be  in  bed, 
Don't  touch  the  curtains  at  his  head, 
But  take  them  in  the  middle, 

"And  wave  them  slowly  in  and  out, 

^Vhile  drawing  them  asunder  ; 
And  in  a  minute's  time,  no  doubt, 
He'll  raise  his  head  and  look  about 
With  eyes  of  wrath  and  wonde:. 

"  And  here  you  must  on  no  pretence 

Make  the  first   observation. 
\Vait  for  the  Victim  to  commence  : 
No  Ghost  of  any  common  sense- 
Begins  a  conversation. 


HWS  FYVE  RULES. 


"If  he  should   say   Wfoio  came  yon  het e  V 

(The  way  that  you  began,   Sir,) 
In  such  a  case  your  course  is  clear — 
'  On  tJie  bafs  back,   my  lit  He  dca?- !  ' 
Is  the  appropriate  answer. 

"If  after  this  he   says  no  more,' 

You'd  best  perhaps  curtail  your 
Exertions — go  and  shake  the  door, 
And  then,  if  he  begins   to  snore, 

You'll  know  the  thing's  a  failure. 


12  PHANTASMAGORIA. 

"By  day,  if  be  should  be  alone — 

At  home  or  on  a  walk — 
You  merely  give  a  hollow  groan, 
To  indicate  the  kind  of  tone 
In  which  you  mean  to  talk. 

''  But  if  you  find  him  with   his  friends. 

The  thing  is  rather  harder. 
In  such  a  case  success  depends 
On   picking  up  some  candle-ends, 
Or  butter,  in  the  larder. 

•"  With  this  you  make  a  kind  of  slidj 

(It  answers  best  with  suet), 
On  which  you  must  contrive  to  glide, 
And   swing  yourself  from   side  to  side — 
One   soon   learns   how  to  do  it. 


'^The   Second  tells  us  what  is  right 

In  ceremonious  calls  : — 
^ First  hum  a  blue  or  cri?nson  lig/ir* 
(A  thing  I  quite  forgot  to-night), 

'  The?i  scratch   the  door  or  wal/s' " 


AND    SWING    VOl'KSKLF    FROM    SIDE    TO    SIDE 


14 


PHANTASM  A  GORIA. 

1  said  "  You  'U  visit  here  no  more, 

If  you   attempt  the  Guy. 
I  '11  liave  no  bonfires  on  my  floor — 
And,  as  for  scratching  at  the  door, 

I  'd  like  to  see  you  try  !  " 

"The  Third  was  written  to  protect 

The  interests  of  the  Victin^, 
And  tells  us,  as  I  recollect, 
To  t?'eat  him  with  a  grave  respect^ 

A/id  not  to  contradict  himi" 

"That's  plain,"  said  I,   "as  Tare  and  Tret, 

To  any  comprehension  : 
I  only  wish  some  Ghosts  I  've  met 
Would  not  so  constantly  forget 

The  maxim  that  you  mention  ! " 

"Perhaps,"  he  said,  ^^ you  first  transgressed 

The  laws  of  hospitality  : 
All  Ghosts  instinctively  detest 
The  Man  that  fails  to  treat  his  guest 

With  proper  cordiality. 


BYS  FVVE  RULES. 


"  If  you  address  a  Ghost  as  '  Thing  ! ' 

Or  strike  him  witli  a  hatchet, 
He  is  permitted  by  the  King 
To  drop  all  formal  parleying — 

And  then  you  're  sure  to  catch  it 


l6        '  PHANTASMAGORIA. 

'  The  Fourth  proliibifs  trespassing 

Where  other  Ghosts  are   quartered  : 
And  those  convicted  of  the  thing 
(Uiiless  when  pardoned  by  the  King) 
Must  instantly  be  slaughtered. 

"  Tliat  simply  means  'be  cut  up  small': 

Ghosts  soon  unite  anew  : 
Tlie  process  scarcely  hurts  at  all — 
Not  more  than  when  you  're  what  you  call 

'  Gilt  up '  by  a  Review. 

"The  Fifth  is   one  you   may  prefer 
That  I  should  quote  entire : — 

The   King  must  be  addressed  as   '  Sir' 

T/iis,  from  a  simple  courtier. 
Is  all  the  Laivs  require: 

'  But,   should  you  wish   to  do  the  thing 

With   out-and-out  politeness, 
Accost  liim  as   'My    Goblin  King  I' 
And  at^Liays   tise,   in   answeripig, 

The  phrase   '  Your  Royal    Whiteness  I' 


HYS  FYVE  RULES. 

"  I  'm  getting  rather  hoarse,  I    fear, 

After   so  much  reciting  : 
So,  if  you   don't   object,   my  dear, 
We  '11  try   a  glass  of  bitter  beer — • 
I  think    it   looks   inviting." 


CANTO     III. 

"And  did   you  really  walk,"   said  I, 
"On   such  a  wretched  night? 

I   always   fancied   Ghosts  could  fly — 

If  not   exactly  in  the  sky, 
Yet   at  a  fairish  height." 

"It's  very  well,"   said   he,   "for  Kings 

To  soar  above   the   earth  : 
But   Phantoms   often   find   that  wings — 
Like  many   other   pleasant  things  — 
Cost   more   than  they   are   worth. 

"  Spectres   of  course  are   rich,   and   so 

Can   buy  them  from  the   Elves  : 
But   7ve  prefer  to   keep   below — 
They're  stupid  company,  you  know, 
For   anv  but  tliemselves : 


SCARMOGES. 


19 


^^^¥^^ 


"  For,  though   tliey  claim  to   be   exempt 
From   pride,   they   treat   a  Phantom 
As  something  quite  beneatli  contempt-  - 
Just  as   no  Turkey   ever  dreamt 
Of  noticing   a  Bantam." 


2  O  rilANTASMA  GORIA. 

"They  seem  too  proud,"   said  I,   "to  go 

To   houses   such  as   mine. 
Pray,   how  did  they   contrive   to  know 
So  c[uickly   tliat   '  the  place   was  iow/ 
And  that  I   '  kept  bad  wine '  ?  " 

"  Inspector   Kobold   came   to  you — " 

The   httle   Ghost  began. 
Here   1   broke   in — "Inspector  who? 
Inspecting  Ghosts  is   something  new  ! 

Explain  yourself,  my  man  !  " 

"His   name  is   Kobold,"    said   my  guest: 

''  One   of  the  Spectre   order  : 
Vou  '11  very  often   see   hmi   dressed 
In  a  yellow  gown,  a  crimson  vest, 
And  a  night-cap   with  a  border. 

"  He   tried  the   Brocken   business   first, 

But   caught   a   sort    of  chill ; 
So   came   to   England   to   be  nursed, 
And   here  it  took   the  form   of  thirst, 
Which  he    complains   of  still. 


AND    HF.nn    IT    TOOIC    THF    FO '  M    OF    TlURSl 


2  2  PIIA  NTA  SMA  GORIA. 

"  Port-wine,   he   says,   when   rich   and  sound, 

Warms  liis   old   bones  like  nectar: 
And   as  the   inns,   wliere   it   is   found. 
Are  liis   especial  hunting-ground, 
We   call  him   the   In7i-Spect?r.'* 

I   bore  it — bore   it  like   a   man — 

This  agonizing  witticism  ! 
And   nothing  could  be   sweeter   than 
My  temper,   till   the   Ghost   began 

Some   most   provoking   criticism. 

"  Coo':s   need   not   be   indulged   in   waste  , 
Yet  still  you  'd  better  teach   them 

Dishes   should   have  some  sort  of  taste. 

Pray,   why   are   all   the   cruets   placed 
Where  nobody  can   reach   them  ? 

*'  That   man   of  yours   will   never   earn 

His  living  as   a   waiter  ! 
Is  that   queer  thinc^  supposed  to  burn? 
(It 's   far   too   dismal   a  concern 

To   call   a   Moderator). 


SCARMOGES. 

"The  duck  was  tender,  but  the  peas 

Were   very   much  too   old  : 
And  just  remember,  if  you   please, 
The  7iext  time   you  have  toasted  cheese, 

Don't  let  them   send  it  cold. 

"You'd  find   the  bread   improved,   I   think, 

By  getting  better   flour  : 
And   have  you  anything  to  drink 
That  looks  a  little  less  like  ink. 

And  isn't  quite  so  sour  ? " 

Then,  peering  round  with  curious  eyes, 

He  muttered  ''  Goodness  gracious  !  " 
And  so  went  on  to  criticise — 
"  Your  room  's  an  inconvenient  size  : 
It 's  neither  snug  nor  spacious. 

"■  That  narrow  window,  I   expect, 

Serves  but   to  let  the  dusk  in — " 

-'  But  please,"  said  I,   "  to  recollect 

'Twas  fashioned  by  an  architect 

Who  pinned  his  faith  on  Ruskin  ! " 


23 


24 


PHANTASM  A  GORIA. 

"  I  don't  care  wlio  he  was,   Sir,   or 
On  whom  he  innnecl  his  faith  ! 

Constructed  by  whatever  law, 

So  poor  a  job   I  never  saw, 
As  I  'm  a  living  A\  laith  ! 

"  What  a  re-markable  cigar ! 

How  much  are  they  a  dozen?" 
I  growled   "  No  matter  what  they  are  ! 
You  're  getting  as  familiar 

As  if  you  were  my  cousin  ! 

"'  Now  that 's  a  thing  /  7viU  not  stand. 

And   so   I   tell  you  flat." 
"  Aha,"   said  he,   "■  we  're  getting  grand  ! 
(Taking  a  bottle  in  his  hand) 

"I'll  soon  arrange  for  that!'' 

And  here  he  took  a  careful  aim, 

And  gaily  cried   "  Here  goes  !  " 
I  tried  to  dodge  it  as  it  came. 
But  somehow  caught  it,   all  the  same, 
Exactly  on   my  nose. 


SCARMOGES.  2  R 

And  I  remember  nothing  more 

That  I  can  clearly  fix, 
Till  I  was  sittmg   on  the  floor, 
Repeating  ''  Two  and  five  are  four^ 

But  Jive  and  two  are  six." 

What  really  passed  I  never  learned. 

Nor  guessed :    I  only  know 
That,  when  at  last  my  sense  returned. 
The  lamp,  neglected,  dimly  burned — 

The  fire  was  getting  low — 

Through  driving  mists  I  seemed  to  see 
A  Thing  that  smirked  and  smiled ; 

And  found  that  he  was  giving  me 

A  lesson  in  Biography, 
As  if  I  were  a  child. 


"  Oh,  when  I  was  a  little  Ghost, 

A  merry  time  had  we  ! 
Each  seated  on  his  favourite  post, 
We  chumped  and  chawed  the  buttered 
toast 
They  gave  us  for  our  tea." 

^.    ''That  story  is  in  print!"   I   cried. 
Don't  say  it 's  not,   because 


H  YS  NO  UK  \  '7  'UKE.  2  7 

It 's  known  as  well  as  Bradshaw's   Guide !  " 
(The   Ghost   uneasily  replied 

He  hardly  thought  it  was). 

"  It  's  not  in   Nursery  Rhymes  ?     And  yet 

I  almost  think   it  is — 
'  Three  little  Ghosteses '   were   set 
*  On  posteses,'  you  know,   and   ate 

Their   '  buttered  toasteses.' 

*'  I  have  the  book ;    so,   if  you  doubt  it — " 

I  turned  to  search  the  shelf. 
*' r3on't   stir!"   he  cried.     "We'll  do  without  it: 
I   now  remember  all  about  it  ; 

I  wrote  the  thing  myself. 

*'  It  came   out  in  a   '  Monthly/  or 

At  least  my  agent  said  it  did  : 
Some  literary  swell,  who  saw 
It,  thought  it  seemed  adapted  for 

The   Magazine  he  edited. 

"  My  father  was  a  Brownie,  Sir ; 
My  mother  was  a   P'airy. 


2  8  PHANTASMA  GORIA . 

The   notion  had  occurred  to   her, 
The   children  would  be  happier, 
If  they  were  taught  to  vary. 

"The  notion  soon  became  a  craze; 

And,  when  it  once  began,  she 
Brought  us  all  out  in   different  ways — 
One  was  a  Pixy,  two  were  Fays, 

Another  was  a  Banshee ; 

*'  The  Fetch  and  Kelpie  went  to  school, 

And  gave  a  lot  of  trouble ; 
Next  came  a  Poltergeist  and  Ghoul, 
And  then  two  Trolls   (which  broke  the  rule), 

A  Goblin,  and  a  Double — 


"  (If  that 's  a  snuff-box  on  the  shelf," 

He  added  with  a  yawn, 
*'  I  '11  take  a  pinch) — next  came  an  Elf, 
And   then  a  Phantom   (that's  myself), 

And  last,  a  Leprechaun. 


One  day,  some  Spectres  chanced  to  call, 
Dressed  in  the  usual  white  : 


HVS  NOURYTUKE. 


^9 


I   stood   and    watched   them   in 
the  hall, 
And  couldn't  make  them  out  at  all. 
They  seemed  so  stiange  a  sight. 


"  I  wondered  what  on  earth  they  were. 

That  looked  all  head  and  sack  ; 
But  Mother  told  me  not  to  rstare, 
And  then  she  twitched  me  by  the  hair, 
And  punched  me  in  the  back. 


"  Since  then  I  've  often  wished  that  I 
Had  been  a  Spectre  born. 

But  what's  the  use?"   (He  heaved  a 
sigh). 

"  T/iev  are  the  ghost-nobility, 
And  look  on  z/s  with  scorn. 

My  phantom-life  was  soon  begun  ; 
When  1  was  barely  six, 
I  went  out  with  an  older  one — 
\        And  just  at  first  I  thought  it  fun, 
^^EX  And  learned  a  lot  of  tricks. 


30 


PHANTASM  A  GOKIA. 

'*  I  've  haunted  dungeons,  castles,  towers — 

Wherever   I  was   sent : 
I  've  often  sat  and   howled  for  hours. 
Drenched  to  the  skin  with  driving  showers, 

Upon  a  battlement. 

"  It 's  quite  old-fashioned  now  to  groan 

When  you  begin  to  speak : 
This  is  the  newest  thing  in  tone — " 
And  here  (it  chilled  me  to  the  bone) 

He  gave  an  aivful  squeak. 

"  Perhaps,"  he  added,   "  to  your  ear 

That  sounds  an  easy  thing? 
Try  it  yourself,  my  little  dear! 
It  took  me  something  like  a  year, 

With   constant  practising. 

"  And  when  you  've  learned  to   squeak,  my  man 

And  caught  the  double  sob, 
You  're  pretty  much   where  you  began  : 
Just   try  and  gibber  if  you  can  ! 

That's  something  like  a  job  ! 


HYS  NOUKYTURE. 

"  /  ^ve  tried  it,  and  can  only  say 

I  'm  sure  you  couldn't  do  it,  e- 
ven   if  you  practised  night  and  day. 
Unless  you  have  a  turn  that  way, 
And  natural  ingenuity. 

"  Shakspeare  I  think  it  is  who  treats 

Of  Ghosts,  in  days  of  old, 
Who   '  gibbered  in  the  Roman  streets,* 
Dressed,  if  you  recollect,  in  sheets — 

They  must  have  found  it  cold. 

"  I  've  often  spent  ten  pounds  on  stuff, 

In  dressing  as  a  Double; 
But,  though  it  answers  as  a  puff, 
It  never  has  effect  enough 

To  make  it  worth  the  trouble. 

"  Tong  bills   soon   quenched  the  little  thirst 

I  had  for  being  funny. 
The  setting-up   is  always  worst : 
Such  heaps  of  things  you  want  at  first, 

One  must  be  made  of  money  ! 


31 


l^JIAxXTASMA  UOKJA. 


"  For  instance,  take  a  Haunted  Tower, 
With  skul],   cross-bones,   and  sheet 
Blue  lights  to  burn   (say)  two  an  hour, 
Condensing  lens  of  extra  power, 
And  set  of  chains  complete  : 


*'  What  with  tlie  things  you  have  to  hire- 

The  fitting  on  the  robe — 
And  testing  all  the  coloured  fire — 


HYS  NO  UR  YTURE.     . 

The  outfit  of  itself  would  tire 
The  patience  of  a  Job  ! 

"  And  then  they  're  so  fastidious, 

The  Haunted-House  Committee  : 
I  've  often  known  them  make  a  fuss 
Because  a  Ghost  was  French,  or  Russ, 
Or  even  from  the  City  ! 

"  Some  dialects  are  objected  to — 

For  one,  the  Irish  brogue  is  : 

And  then,  for  all  you  have  to  do, 

One  pound  a  week  they  offer  you, 

And  find  yourself  in  Bogies  !  " 


zz 


CANTO     V. 

"Don't  they  consult  the  'Victims,'  though?" 
I  said.     "  They  should,  by  rights, 

Give  them  a  chance— because,   you  >;no\v. 

'J'he  tastes  of  people  differ  so, 
Especially  in  Sprites." 

The  Phantom   shook  his   head  and  smiled. 

"  Consult  them  ?     Not  a  bit  ! 
'Twould  be  a  job  to  drive  one  wild, 
To  satisfy  one  single  child — 

There  'd  be  no  end  to  it  !  " 

"  Of  course  you  can't  leave  childi-eti  free," 

Said  I,   "  to  pick  and  choose  : 
But,  in  the  case  of   men  like  me, 
I   think  'Mine   Host'   might  fairly  be 
Allowed  to  state  his  views." 


B  YCKERMENT.  3  5 

He  said  "  It  really  wouldn't  pay — 

Folk  are  so  full  of  fancies. 
We  visit  for  a  single  day, 
And  whether  then  we  go,  or  stay, 

Depends  on  circumstances. 

''  And,   though  we  don't  consult   '  Mine   Host 

Before  the  thing  's  arranged, 
Still,   if  he  often   quits  his   post. 
Or  is  not  a  well-mannered  Ghost, 

Then  you  can  have  him  changed. 

"  But  if  the  host's  a  man  like  you^ 

I  mean  a  man   of  sense  ; 
And  if  the  house  is  not  too  new — '' 
''Why,  what  has  that;'   said  I,   "to  do 

With  Ghost's  convenience  ?  " 

"A  new  house  does  not  suit,   you  know — 

It's  such  a  job  to  trim  it  : 
But,  after  twenty  years  or  so. 
The  wainscotings  begin  to  go, 

So  twenty  is  the  limit." 


PHANTASM  A  GOKIA. 

"To  trim"  was  not  a  phrase  I  could 

Remember  having  heard  : 
''  Perhaps,"    I  said,   "  you  '11  be  so  good 
As  tell  me  what  is  understood 

Exactly  by  that  word?" 


"  It  means  the  loosening  all  the  doors," 

The  Ghost  replied,  and  laughed: 
*'  It  means  the  drilling  holes  by  scores 
In  all  the  skirting-boards  and  floors, 
To  make  a  thorough  draught. 


BYCKERMENT. 

"You'll  sometimes  find  that  one  or  two 

Are  all  you  really  need 
To  let  the  wind  come  whistling  through— 
But  here  there  '11  be  a  lot  to  do  !  " 

I  faintly  gasped  "  Indeed  ! 

"  If  I  'd  been  rather  later,   I  '11 

Be  bound,"   I  added,   trying 
(Most  unsuccessfully)  to  smile, 
"  You  'd  have  been  busy  all  this  while, 
Trimming  and  beautifying  ?  " 

"Why,  no,"  said  he;  "perhaps  I  should 
Have  stayed  another  minute — 

But  still  no  Ghost,  that 's  any  good, 

Without  an  introduction  would 
Have  ventured  to  begin  it. 

"The  proper  thing,  as  you  were  late, 

Was  certainly  to  go  : 
But,  with  the  roads  in  such  a  state, 
I  got  the  Knight-Mayor's  leave  to  wait 

For  half  an  hour  or  so." 


^S  PHANTASMAGOKIA. 


"  Who  's  the   Knight-Mayor  ?  "  I  cried.     Instead 

Of  answering  my  question, 
''  Well !     If  you  don't  know  that,''  he  said, 
"  Either  you  never  go  to  bed, 

Or  you've  a  grand  digestion  ! 

'•  He  goes  about  and   sits  on  folk 

That  eat  too  much  at  night : 
His  duties  are  to  pinch,  and  poke, 
And  squeeze  them  till  they  nearly  choke." 

(I  said   "  It  serves  them  right  !  "  ) 

"  And  folk  that  sup  on  things   like  these — " 

He  muttered,   ''  eggs  and  bacon — - 
Lobster — and  duck — and  toasted  cheese— 
If  they  don't  get  an  awful    squeeze, 
I  'm  very  much  mistaken  ! 

"  He  is  immensely  fat,  and  so 

Well  suits  the  occupation: 
In  point  of  fact,  if  you  must  know, 
We  used  to  call  him,  years  ago, 

The  Mayor  and  Corporation  ! 


HE    GOES    ABOUT    AND    SITS    ON    FOLK 


40 


PIIAN7\4SMA  GORIA. 


'•  The  day  he  was  elected  ^[ayor 

I  know  that  every  Sprite  meant 
To  vote  for  me,  but  did   not  dare- 
He  was  so  frantic  with  despair 
And  furious  with  excitement. 


''When  it  was  over,  for  a  whim, 

He  ran   to  tell  the  King  ; 
And  being  the  reverse  of  slim, 


BYCKEKMENT.  A^l 

A  two-mile  trot  was  not  for  him 
A  very  easy  thing. 

"So,  to  reward  him  for  his  run 

(As  it  was  baking  hot, 
And  he  was  over  twenty  stone). 
The  King  proceeded,  half  in  fun, 

To  knight  him  on   the  spot." 

"  'Twas  a  great  Hberty  to  take  !  " 

(I  fired  up  like  a  rocket). 
"He  did  it  just  for  punning's  sake: 
'The  man,'  says  Johnson,   'that  would  make 

A  pun,  would  pick  a  pocket !  '  " 

"  A  man,"  said  he,   "  is  not  a  King." 

I  argued  for  a  while, 
And  did  my  best  to  prove  the  thing— 
The  Phantom  merely  listening 

With  a  contemptuous  smile. 

At  last,  when,  breath  and  patience  spent, 

I  had  recourse  to  smoking — 
"  Your  aim,''  he  said,   "  is  excellent : 

G 


42 


PHANTASM  A  GORIA. 


But — when  you  call   it  argiunejit— 
Of  course  you're  only  joking? 


Stung  by  his  cold  and  snaky  eye, 

I  roused  myself  at  length 
To  say   "  At  least  I   do  defy 
The  veriest  sceptic  to  deny 
That  union  is  strength  !  " 


BYCKERMENT. 

"That's  true  enough,"   said  he,  "yet  stay — " 

I  listened  in  all  meekness — 
"  Union  is  strength,   I  'm  bound  to  say ; 
In  fact,  the  thing  's  as  clear  as  day  ; 

But  onions — are  a  weakness." 


43 


CANTO     VI. 

As  one  who  strives  a  hill   to  climb, 

Who  never  climbed  before : 
Who  finds  it,   in  a  little  time, 
Grow  every  moment  less   sublime, 

And   votes  the  thing  a  bore : 

Vet,   having  once   begun   to  try, 

Dares  not  desert  his   quest, 
But,   climbing,   ever  keeps  his  eye 
On  one  small   hut  against  the  sky,   » 

Wherein  he  hopes  to  rest : 

Who  climbs  till  nerve  and   force  are  spent, 
With  many  a  puff  and  pant  ; 

Who  still,  as  rises  the  ascent. 

In  language  grows  more  violent. 

Although  in  breath   more   scant : 


DYSCOMFYTVRE. 


45 


Who,  climbing,    gains  at  length   the  place 
That  crowns  the  upward  track  ; 

And,  entering  with  unsteady  pace, 

Receives  a  buffet  in   the  face 

That  lands  him  on  his  back  : 


And  feels  himself,  like  one  in  sleep, 

Glide  swiftly  down  again, 
A  helpless  weight,  from  steep  to  steep, 
Till,  with   a  headlong  giddy  sweep. 

He  drops  upon  the  plain- 
So  I,  that  had  resolved  to  bring 

Conviction  to  a  ghost, 
And  found  it  quite   a  different  thing 
From  any  human  arguing. 


•^5^ 


Yet  dared  not  quit  my  post 


46  PHANTASMAGORIA. 

But,   keeping  still  the  end  in  view 

To  which   I  hoped  to  come, 
I  strove  to  prove  the  matter  true 
By  putting  everything  I   knew 
Into   an   axiom  : 

Commencing  every  single  phrase 
With   '  therefore  '   or  '  because,' 

I  blindly  reeled,   a  hundred  ways, 

About  the  syllogistic  maze, 

Unconscious  where   I  was. 

Quoth  he   "That's  regular  clap-trap: 
Don't  bluster  any  more. 

Now  do  be  cool  and  take  a  nap  ! 

Such  a  ridiculous  old  chap 
Was  never  seen  before  ! 

You  're  like  a  man    I  used  to  meet, 
Who  got  one  day  so  furious 
In  arguing,  the  simple  heat 
Scorched  both  his  slippers  off  his  feet  ! 
I  said  ''That's  very  curious!'' 


SCORCHED    BOTH    HIS    SLIPPERS   OFF    HIS  FEET 


48  PHANTASMAGOKIA. 

"  Well,   it  is  curious,   I  agree, 

And   sounds  perhaps  like  fibs : 
But  still  it 's  true  as  true  can  be — 
As  sure  as  your  name  's  Tibbs,"  said  he. 
1   said   "  My  name  's  not  Tibbs." 

^^ Not  Tibbs!"   he  cried— his  tone  became 

A  shade  or  two  less  hearty — 
*'  Why,  no,"  said  I.      "  My  proper  name 
Is  Tibbels— '■   *'  Tibbets  ?  "   "  Aye,  the  same." 
*' Why,  then  you're  not  the  party!" 

With  that  he  struck  the  board  a  blow 
That  shivered  half  the  glasses. 

"  Why  couldn't  you  have  told  me  so 

Three  quarters  of  an  hour  ago. 
You  prince  of  all  the  asses  ? 

"  To  walk  four  miles  through  mud  and  rain, 
To  spend  the  night  in  smoking. 

And   then  to  find  that  it's  in  vain — 

And  I  've  to  do  it  all  again — • 
It 's  really  too  provoking  ! 


DYSCOMFYTURE. 


49 


"  Don't  talk  !  "  he  cried,  as  I  began 

To  mutter  some  excuse. 
"Who  can  have  patience  with  a  man 
That's  got  no  more  discretion  than 
An  idiotic  goose  ? 


5  O  PHANTASMA  GORIA , 

"To  keep  me  waiting  here,  instead 

Of  telling  me  at  once 
That  this  was  not  the  house  ! "  he  said, 
"  There,  that'll  do— be  off  to  bed  ! 

Don't  gape  like  that,  you  dunce  !  " 

"It's  very  fine  to  throw  the  blame 

On  me  in  such  a  fashion  ! 
Why  didn't  you  enquire  my  name 
The  very  minute  that  you  came?" 
I  answered  in  a  passion. 

"  Of  course  it  worries  you  a  bit 

To  come  so  far  on  foot- 
But  how  was  /  to  blame  for  it?" 
"Well,  well  !  "  said  he.      "  I  must  admit 
That  isn't  badly  put. 

*'And  certainly  you've  given  me 

The  best  of  wine  and  victual — • 
Excuse  my  violence,"  said  he, 
"  But  accidents  like  this,  you  see, 
They  put  one  out  a  little. 


DYSCOMFYTUKE.  5 1 


(< » 


Twas  my  fault  after  all,  I  find — 
Shake  hands,  old  Turnip-top  ! " 
The  name  was  hardly  to  my  mind, 
But,  as  no  doubt  he   meant  it  kind, 
I   let  the  matter  drop. 

''  Good-night,  old  Turnip-top,  good-night  ! 

When  I  am  gone,  perhaps 
They'll  send  you  some  inferior  Sprite, 
Who'll  keep  you  in  a  constant  fright 

And  spoil  your  soundest  naps. 

'*Tell  him  you'll  stand  no  sort  of  trick; 

Then,  if  he  leers  and  chuckles, 
You  just  be  handy  with  a  stick 
(Mind  that  it's  pretty  hard  and  thick) 

And  rap  him  on  the  knuckles  ! 

"Then  carelessly  remark   'Old  coon! 

Perhaps  you're  not  aware 
That,  if  you  don't  behave,  you'll  soon 
Be  chuckling  to  another  tune— 

And  so  you'd  best  take  care  ! '' 


PHANTASM  A  GORIA, 

"  That's  the  right  way  to  cure  a  Sprite 
Of  such-like  goings-on — 

But  gracious  me  !     It's  getting  Hght ! 

Good-night,  old  Turnip-top,  good-night ! ' 
A  nod,  and  he  was  gone. 


CANTO     VII. 


Sati  Soubenauncc. 


"What's  this?"  I  pondered.      "Have  I  slept? 

Or  can   I  have  been  drinking?" 
But  soon  a  gentler  feeling  crept 
Upon   me,  and   I   sat  and  wept 

An  hour  or  so,  like  winking. 


"  No  need  for  Bones  to  hurry  so  ! " 
I   sobbed.      "  In   fact,   I   doubt 


5  4  PHANTASMA  GORIA . 

If  it  was  worth  his  while  to  go — 
And  who  is  Tibbs,   I'd  hke  to  know, 
To  make  such  work  about  ? 

"  If  Tibbs   is  anything  Hke  me, 

It's  possible''  I  said, 
"  He  won't  be  over-pleased  to  be 
Dropped  in  upon  at  half-past  three, 

After  he's  snug  m  bed. 

"  And  if  Bones  plagues  him  anyhow — 
Squeaking  and  all  the  rest  of  it, 

As  he  was  doing  here  just  now — 

/  prophesy  there'll  be  a  row, 

And  Tibbs  will  have  the  best  of  it ! 

Then,  as  my  tears  could  never  bring 

The  friendly  Phantom  back, 
It  seemed  to  me  the  proper  thing 
To  mix  another  glass,   and  sing 
The  following  Coronach. 

'■  Afid  art  thou  gone,  beloved  Ghost  ? 
Best  of  Familiars  ! 


AND   TIBBS   WILL    HAVE   THE    BEST   OF    IT" 


56  PHANTASMAGORIA. 

Nay  then,  farewen,   my  duckling  roast, 
Farewell,  farewell,  viy  tea  and  toast, 
My  meerschaiiin  and  cigars! 

'  The  lines  of  life  air  dull  ana  gray, 
.  .  The  sweets  of  life  insipid, 

lVhe?i  thou,   mv  charmer,   a?-t  aivay — 
Old  B?-ick,   or  I'ather,   let  me  say. 
Old  Parallelepiped  ! ' 

Instead   of  singing  Verse  the  Third, 

I  ceased — abru[)tly,   rather: 
But,   after  such  a  splendid  word, 
I  felt  that  it  would  be  absurd 
To  try  it  any  farther. 

So  with  a  yawn  I   went  my  way 

To  seek  the  welcome  downy, 
And  slept,   and  dreamed  till  break  of  day 
Of  Poltergeist  and  Fetch  and  Fay 

And  Leprechaun  and  Brownie  ! 

For  years  Fve  not  been  visited 
By  any  kind  of  -Sprite  ; 


SAB  SOUVENAUNCE. 


57 


Yet  still  they  echo  in  my  head, 
Those  parting  words,   so  kindly  said, 
"  Old  Turnip-top,  good-night  1 " 


ECHOES. 

Lady  Clara  Vere  de  Vere 
Was  eight  years  old,  she  said : 
Every  ringlet,  lightly  shaken,  ran  itself  in  golden  thread. 

She  took  her  little  porringer : 
Of  me  she  shall  not  win  renown  : 
For   the    baseness    of    its    nature    shall    have    strength    to 
drag  her  down. 

"Sisters  and  brothers,  little  Maid? 
There   stands  the  Inspector  at   thy  door : 
Like  a  dog,   he   hunts   for  boys  who   know   not   two  and 
two  are  four." 

"  Kind  words  are  more   than  coronets," 
She  said,  and  wondering  looked  at  me : 
"  It  is  the  dead  unhappy  night,   and   I   must  hurry  home 
to  tea." 


A    SEA    DIRGE. 


There  are  certain  things — as,  a  spider,  a^  ghost, 
The  income-tax,  gout,  an  unxbrella  for  three — 
That  I  hate,   but  the  thing  that  I  hate  the  most 
Is  a  tiling  they  call  the  Sea. 


6o  A  SEA  DIRGE. 

Pour  some  salt  water  over  the   floor — 
Ugly  I'm  sure  you'll  allow  it  to  be  i 
Suppose  it  extended  a  mile  or  more, 
Thafs  very  like  the  Sea. 

Beat  a  dog  till  he  howls  outright — 

Cruel,  but  all  very  well  for  a  spree : 
Suppose  that  he   did  so  day  and  night, 
That  would  be  like  the  Sea. 

I  had   a  vision  of  nursery-maids  ; 

Tens  of  thousands  passed  by  me — 
All  leading  children  with  wooden  spades, 
And  this  was  by  the  Sea. 

Who  invented  those  spades  of  wood? 

AVho  was  it  cut  them  out  of  the  tree? 
None,   I  think,  but  an  idiot  could — • 
Or  one  that  loved  the  Sea. 

It  is  pleasant  and  dreamy,  no  doubt,  to   float 

"With  '  thoughts  as  boundless,   and  souls  as  free 
But,  suppose  you  are  very  unwell  in  the  boat, 
How  do  you  like  the  Sea? 


AND   THIS   WAS    BY    THE  SEA 


62  A  SEA  DIRGE. 

There  is  an  insect  that  people  avoid 

(Whence  is  derived  the  verb   '  to  flee '). 
"Where  have  you  been  by  it  most  annoyed  ? 
In  lodgings  by  the  Sea. 

If  you  like  your  coffee  with  sand  for  dregs, 

A  decided  hint  of  salt  in  your  tea, 
And  a  fishy  taste  in   the  very  eggs — ■ 
By  all  means  choose  the  Sea. 

And  if,  with  these  dainties  to   drink  and  eat, 
You  prefer  not  a  vestige  of  grass  or  tree, 
x\nd  a  chronic  state  of  wet  in  your  feet, 
Then — 1  recommend  the  Sea, 

For  /  have  friends  who  dwell  by  the  coast — 

Pleasant   friends  they  are  to   me  ! 
It  is   when   I   am  with  them  I   wonder  most 
That  any  one  likes   the  Sea. 

They  take  me  a  walk :    though  tired  and  stiff, 

To  climb  the  heights  I  madly  agree  ; 
And,  after  a  tumble  or  so  from  the  cliff, 
They  kindly  suggest  the  Sea. 


A  SEA  DIRGE. 


63 


I  try  the  rocks,  and  I  think  it  cool 

That  they   laugh  with  such  an   excess  of  glee, 
As   I   heavily  slip  into   every  pool 

That  skirts  the  cold  cold  Sea. 


l?f  Carpcttc  Ikn^obtc. 

^  Ijnbe  a  ^ors^ — a  rgg^te  gooire  ^or?f — 

SHl^o  stoiue  ji^  plagne  jiit  l^-rabje  course 
Cgll  sobbagne  on  tbegre  nose 

t^^eiJ  Igg^tt  fejitlj  unevpectfb  force— 
gt  gs — a  ^orse  cf  clothes. 


a  sabbfl — *'§Bg'st  t^ou  soe  ? 

SSgtl^  stgrruppcs,  JUiggbte,  to  boote  ? 
I   sagbe  not  t^nt— |  ansfocre   "  |Toc " — 

gt  lacket^  snc^,  |  boote : 
gt  g&  a  mutton-sabbel,  loe  ! 

Iparte  of  g^  flcccge  brute. 

I  babe  a  bgtte — a  rggljte  gcoir  bgttc — 

gis  sball  bee  scene  gn  tgme. 
y  jatoc  of  ^orsc  gt  bigll  not  fntfe ; 

gts  nse  gs  more  sublgmc. 
j^agie  ^gr,  ^obj  beemest  tl^on  of  gt  ? 
gt  gs — tj)gs  bgtte  of  rbgnu. 


I    HAVE    A    HORSE 


HIAWATHA'S    PHOTOGRAPHING. 


[In  an  age  of  imitation,  I  can  claim  no  special  merit  for 
this  slight  attempt  at  doing  what  is  known  to  be  so  easy. 
Any  fairly  practised  writer,  with  the  slightest  ear  for  rhythm, 
could  compose,  for  hours  together,  in  the  easy  running 
metre  of  '  The  Song  of  Hiawatha.'  Having,  then,  distinctly 
stated  that  I  challenge  no  attention  in  the  following  little 
poem  to  its  merely  verbal  jingle,  I  must  beg  the  candid 
reader  to  confine  his  criticism  to  its  treatment  of  the  subject] 


From  his  shoulder  Hiawatha 
Took  the  camera  of  rosewood. 
Made  of  sliding,   folding  rosewood  ; 
Neatly  put  it  all  together. 
In  its  case  it  lay  compactly. 
Folded  into  nearly  nothing ; 
But  he  opened  out  the  hinges, 
Pushed  and  pulled  the  joints  and  hinges, 
Till  it  looked  all  squares  and  oblongs, 


HIAIVATHA'S  FHOTOGRAPHING. 


67 


Like  a  complicated  figure 

In  the  Second   Book  of  Euclid. 


This  he  perched  upon  a   tripod — 
Crouched   beneath  its  dusky  cover — 
Stretched  his  hand,   enforcing  silence- 
Said  "  Be  motionless,   I  beg  you  !  " 
Mystic,   awful  was  the  process. 

All  the  family  in   order 
Sat  before   him  for  their  pictures; 
Each  in  turn,   as   he  was  taken, 


68  HI  A  II  A  'IIIA'S  rilOTOGRAPHlNG. 

Volunteered  his   own  suggestions, 
His  ingenious   suggestions. 

First  the  Governor,  the  Father : 
He  suggested  velvet  curtains 
]>ooped  about  a  massy  pillar; 
And  the   corner  of  a  table, 
Of  a  rosewood  dining-table. 
He  would   hold  a  scroll  of  something. 
Hold  it  firmly  in  his  left-hand ; 
He  would  keep  his  right-hand  buried 
(Like  Napoleon)   in  his  waistcoat ; 
He   would    contemplate   the   distance 
With  a  look  of  pensive  meaning, 
As  of  ducks  that  die  in   tempests. 

Grand,   heroic  was   the  notion  : 
Yet  the   picture  failed  entirely  : 
Failed,  because  he  moved  a  little. 
Moved,   because  he  couldn't  help   it. 

Next,   his  better  half  took   courage  ; 
She  would  have  her  picture  taken. 
She   came  dressed   beyond  description, 
Dressed  in  jewels  and   in  satin 
Far'  too   gorgeous  for  an  empress. 


FIRST    THE   GOVERNOR,    THE    FATHER 


70  HJA  ff  '^  77/A'S  FHO TOGRAFIIING. 

Gracefully  she   sat  down   sideways, 
With  a  simper  scarcely  human, 
Holding  in   her  hand  a  bouquet 
Rather  larger  than  a   cabbage. 
All   the  while  that  she  was  sitting. 
Still  the  lady  chattered,   chattered, 
Like   a  monkey  in  the   forest. 
"Am  I  sitting  still?"    she  asked  him. 
"  Is  my  face  enough   in   profile  ? 
Shall   I  hold  the  bouquet  higher  ? 
Will  it  come  into   the  picture  ?  " 
And  the  picture  failed  completely. 

Next  the  Son,   the  Stunning-Cantab  : 
He  suggested  curves  of  beauty, 
Curves  pervading  all  his  figure. 
Which  the  eye  might  follow    onward, 
Till  they  centered  in  the  breast-pin, 
Centered   in  the  golden   breast-pin. 
He  had  learnt  it  all  from  Ruskin 
(Author  of  '  The  Stones  of  Venice,' 

*  Seven  Lamps  of  Architecture,' 

*  Modern   Painters,'    and   some   others); 
And   perhaps   he  had  not  fully 


NEXT    THE    SON,    THE    STLNNl.NG-CAN  i 


7  Z  HI  A  I  f  'A  771  A 'S  PHO  TO  GRA  PHING, 

Understood  his  author's  meaning ; 
But,   whatever  was  the  reason, 
All  was  fruitless,   as   the   picture 
Ended  in   an  ulter  failure. 

Next  to   him   the   eldest  daughter : 
She  suggested  very  little. 
Only  asked  if  he  would  take  her 
With   her  look  of  '  passive  beauty.' 

Her  idea   of  passive   beauty 
Was  a  squinting  of  the  left-eye, 
Was  a   drooping  of  the  right-eye, 
Was  a  smile  that  went  up  sideways 
To  the  corner  of  the   nostrils. 

Hiawatha,  when   she  asked  him. 
Took  no   notice  of  the  question, 
Looked  as   if  he  hadn't  heard  it; 
But,   when  pointedly  appealed  to, 
Smiled  in   his   peculiar  manner. 
Coughed  and  said  it   'didn't  matter,' 
Bit  his  lip  and  changed  the  subject. 

Nor  in  this  was  he  mistaken, 
As  the  picture  failed  completely. 

So  in  turn  the   other  sisters. 


NEXT  TO  HIM  THE  ELDEST  DAUGHTER* 


74 


HI  A  WA  THA  'S  PHO  TO  GRA  FHING. 

Last,   the  youngest  son  was  taken : 
Very  rough  and   thick  his  hair   was, 
Very  round  and  red  his  face  was, 
Very  dusty  was  his  jacket, 
Very  fidgety  his  manner. 
And  his  overbearing  sisters 
Called  him  names  he  disapproved  of : 
Called  him  Johnny,   '  Daddy's  Darling,' 
Called  him  Jacky,   '  Scrubby  School-boy.' 
And,   so  awful  was  the  picture, 
In  comparison  the  others 
Seemed,   to  his  bewildered  fancy, 
To  have  partially  succeeded. 

Finally  my  Hiawatha 
Tumbled  all  the  tribe  together, 
('Grouped'  is  not  the  right  expression), 
And,   as  happy  chance  would  have  ii. 
Did  at  last  obtain  a  picture 
Where  the  faces  all  succeeded  : 
Each  came  out  a  perfect  likeness. 

Then  they  joined  and  all  abused  it, 
Unrestrainedly  abused  it. 
As   '■  the  worst  and  ugliest   picture 


LAST.    THE   YOUNGEST   SON   WAS   TAKEN 


76  HIAWATHA'S  PHOTOGRAPHING. 

They  could  possibly  have  dreamed  of. 
Giving  one  such  strange  expressions — 
Sullen,  stupid,   pert  expressions. 
Really  any  one  would  take  us 
(Any  one  that  did  not  know  us) 
For  the  most  unpleasant  people  ! ' 
(Hiawatha  seemed  to  think  so, 
Seemed  to  think  it  not  unlikely). 
All  together  rang  their  voices, 
Angry,  loud,  discordant  voices, 
As  of  dogs  that  howl  in   concert. 
As  of  cats  that  wail  in  chorus. 
But  my  Hiawatha's  patience, 
His  politeness  and  his  patience, 
Unaccountably  had  vanished. 
And  he  left  that  happy  party. 
Neither  did  he  leave  them  slowly, 
With  the  calm  deliberation, 
The  intense  deliberation 
Of  a  photographic  artist : 
But  he  left  them  in  a  hurry. 
Left  them  in  a  mighty  hurry, 
Stating  that  he  would  not  stand  it. 


HIAWATHA'S  PHOTOGRAPHING. 


77 


Stating  in   emphatic  language 
What  he'd  be  before  he'd  stand  it. 

Hurriedly  he  packed  his  boxes  : 
Hurriedly  the  porter  trundled 
On  a  barrow  all  his  boxes  : 
Hurriedly  he  took  his   ticket : 
Hurriedly  the  train  received  him  : 
Thus  departed   Hiawatha. 


MELANCHOLETTA. 


With   saddest  music  all  day  long 
She  soothed  her  secret  sorrow  : 

At  night  she  sighed  "I   fear  'twas  wrong 
Such  cheerful  words  to  borrow. 

Dearest,   a  sweeter,   sadder  song 
I'll  sing  to  thee  to-morrow." 

I  thanked  her,   but  I  could  not  say 

That  I  was  glad  to  hear  it : 
I  left  the  house  at  break  of  day, 

And  did  not  venture  near  it 
Till  time,   I  hoped,  had  worn  away 

Her  grief,   for  nought  could  cheer  it  1 


My  dismal  sister  !     Couldst  thou  kn 
The  wretched  home  thou  keepest ! 


lOW 


AT    NIGHT    SHE    SIGHhiD 


8o  MELANCHOLE  7  'TA. 

Thy  brother,   drowned  in  daily  woe, 
Is  thankful  when  thou  sleepest ; 

For  if  I  laugh,   however  low, 

When  thou'rt  awake,  thou  weepest  1 

I   took  my  sister  t'other  day 

(Excuse  the  slang  expression) 
To  Sadler's  Wells  to  see  the  play. 

In  hopes  the  new  impression 
Might  in  her  thoughts,   from  grave  to  gay 

Effect  some  slight  digression. 

I  asked  three  gay  young  dogs  from   town 

To  join  us  in  our  folly, 
U'hose  mirth,   I   thought,   might  serve   to   drown 

My  sister's  melancholy  : 
The  lively  Jones,   the  sportive   Brown, 

And  Robinson  the  jolly. 

The  maid  announced  the  meal  in  tones 

That  I  myself  had  taught  her, 
Meant  to  allay  my  sister's  moans 

Like  oil  on  troubled  water : 


MELANCHOLE  TTA . 


I  rushed  .to  Jones,  the  lively  Jones, 
And  begged  him  to  escort  her. 


Vainly  he  strove,  with  ready  wit, 

To  joke  about  the  weather — 
To  ventilate  the  last  '  07i  dit''  — 

To  quote  the  price  of  leather — 
She  groaned   "  Here  I  and  Sorrow  sit : 

Let  us  lament  together  !  " 

I  urged  "You're  wasting  time,  you  know: 

Delay  will  spoil  the  venison." 
"  My  heart  is  wasted  with  my  woe  ! 

There  is  no  rest — in  Venice,  on 
The  Bridge  of  Sighs  !  "  she  quoted  low 

From  Byron  and  from  Tennyson. 

I  need  not  tell  of  soup  and  fish 

In  solemn  silence  swallowed, 
The  sobs  that  ushered  in  each  disli, 

And  its  departure  followed, 
Nor  yet  my  suicidal  wish 

To  be  the  cheese   I   hollowed. 


MELANCHOLE  TTA. 

Some  desperate  attempts  were  made 

To  start  a  conversation  ; 
**  Madam,"  the  sportive  Brown  essayed, 

''  Which  kind  of  recreation, 
Hunting  or  fishing,  have  you  made 

Your  special  occupation  ?  " 

Her  lips  curved  downwards  instantly, 

As  if  of  india-rubber. 
**  Hounds  ///  full  cry  I  like,"  said  she  : 

(Oh  how  I  longed  to  snub  her  !) 
"  Of  fish,  a  whale's  the  one  for  me, 

//  is  so  full  of  blubber  !'' 

The  night's  performance  was  "  King  John." 
"It's  dull,"  she  wept,  "and  so-so!" 

A  while  I  let  her  tears  flow  on. 
She  said  they  soothed  her  woe  so  ! 

At  length  the  curtain  rose  upon 
'Bombastes  Furioso.' 

In  vain  we  roared  j  in  vain  we  tried 
To  rouse  her  into  laughter : 


MELANCHOLE  TTA . 


83 


Her  pensive  glances  wandered  wide 

From  orchestra  to  rafter — 
''  Tier  npo7i  tier !  "  she  said,  and  sighed  ; 

And  silence  followed  after. 


A    VALENTINE. 


[Sent  to  a  friend  who  had  complained  that  I  was  glad 
enough  to  see  him  when  he  came,  but  didn't  seem  to  miss 
him  if  he  stayed  away,] 


And  cannot  pleasures,  while  they  last 

Be  actual  unless,  when  past. 

They  leave  us  shuddering  and  aghast, 

With  anguish  smarting? 
And  cannot  friends  be  firm  and  fast, 

And  yet  bear  parting  ? 

And  must  I  then,  at  Friendship's  call, 
Calmly  resign  the  little  all 
(Trifling,   I  grant,  it  is  and  small) 
I  have  of  gladness, 


A   VALENTINE.  85 

And  lend  my  being  to  the  thrall 
Of  gloom  and  sadness  ? 

And  think  you  that  I  should  be  dumb, 
And  full  dolonim  omnium^ 
Excepting  when  you  choose  to  come 

And  share  my  dinner? 
At  other  times  be  sour  and  glum 

And  daily  thinner? 

Must  he  then  only  live  to  weep, 

Who'd  prove  his  friendship  true  and  deep? 

By  day  a  lonely  shadow  creep, 

At  night-time  languish. 
Oft  raising  in  his  broken  sleep 

The  moan  of  anguish  ? 

The  lover,  if  for  certain  days 
His  fair  one  be  denied  his  gaze, 
Sinks  not  in  grief  and  wild  amaze, 

But,  wiser  wooer. 
He  spends  the  time  in  writing  lays. 

And  posts  them  to  her. 


86  ^4   VALENTINE. 

And  if  the  verse  flow  free  and  fast, 
Till  even  the  poet  is  aghast, 
A  touching  Valentine  at  last 

The  post  shall  carry, 
When  thirteen  days  are  gone  and  past 

Of  February. 

Farewell,  denr  friend,  and  when  we  meet, 
In  desert  waste  or  crowded  street, 
Perhaps  before  this  week  shall  fleet, 

Perhaps  to-morrow, 
I  trust  to  find  your  heart  the  seat 

Of  wasting  sorrow. 


THE  THREE  VOICES. 


K\)t  jFirst  Vmt. 


He  trilled  a  carol  fresh  and  free : 
He  laughed  aloud  for  very  glee : 
There  came  a  breeze  from  off  the  sea  : 


88  THE  THREE   VOICES. 

It  passed  athwart  the  glooming  flat — 
It  fanned  his  forehead  as  he  sat — 
It  lightly  bore  away  his  hat, 

All  to  the  feet  of  one  who  stood 
Like  maid  enchanted  in  a  wood, 
Frowning  as  darkly  as  she  could. 

With  huge  umbrella,   lank  and  brown, 

Unerringly  she  pinned  it  down, 

Right  through  the  centre  of  the  crown. 

Then,  with  an  aspect  cold  and  grim, 
Regardless  of  its  battered  rim, 
She  took  it  up  and  gave  it  him. 

A  while  like  one  in  dreams  he  stood, 
Then  faltered  forth  his  gratitude 
In  words  just  short  of  being  rude  ; 

For  it  had  lost  its  shape  and  shine, 
And  it  had  cost  him  four-and-nine, 
And  he  was  going  out  to  dine. 


^^^•"^  >is:Ppili-. 


UNERRINGLY    SHE    PIMNED    IT    DOWN 


90 


THE  THREE   VOICES. 

"To  dine!"  she  sneered  in  acid  tone. 
"To  bend  thy  being  to  a  bone 
Clothed  in  a  radiance  not  its  own ! " 

The  tear-drop  trickled  to  his  chin  : 
There  was  a  meaning  in  her  grin 
That  made  him  feel  on  fire  within, 

"  Term  it  not  '  radiance,'  "  said  he  : 
"  'Tis  solid  nutriment  to  me. 
Dinner  is  Dinner:   Tea  is  Tea." 

And  she   "Yea  so?     Yet  wherefore  cease? 
Let  thy  scant  knowledge  find  increase. 
Say  '  Men  are  Men,  and  Geese  are  Geese.' 

He  moaned :  he  knew  not  what  to  say. 
The  thought   "  That  I   could  get  away ! " 
Strove  with  the   thought  "  But  I  must  stay.' 

"To  dine!"  she  shrieked  in  dragon-wrath. 
"To  swallow  wines  all  foam  and  froth! 
To  simper  at  a  table-cloth  I 


THE  FIRST  VOICE.  9 1 

*'Say,  can  thy  noble  spirit  stoop 
To  join  the  gormandising  troop 
Who  find  a  solace  in  the  soup? 

"Canst  thou  desire  or  pie  or  puff? 
Thy  well-bred  manners  were  enough, 
Without   such  gross  material  stuff." 

"Yet  well-bred  men,"  he  faintly  said, 

*'Are  not  unwilling  to   be  fed: 

Nor  are  they  well   without  the  bread." 

Her  visage  scorched  him   ere  she  spoke  : 
"  There  are,"  she  said,  "  a   kind  of  folk 
Who  have  no  horror  of  a  joke. 

"Such  wretches  live:  they  take  their  share 
Of  common  earth  and  common  air: 
We  come  across  them  here  and  there  : 

"We  grant  them — there  is  no  escape — 
A  sort  of  semi-human  shape 
Suggestive  of  the  man-like  Ape." 


92  THE  THREE  VOICES. 

"  In  all  such  theories,"  said  he, 
"One  fixed  exception  there  must  be: 
That  is,   the   Present  Company." 

Bafifled,  she  gave  a  wolfish   bark  : 

He,  aiming  blindly  in  the  dark, 

With  random  shaft  had  pierced  the  mark. 

She  felt  that  her  defeat   was  plain, 
Yet  madly  strove  with  might  and  main 
To  get  the  upper  hand  again. 

Fixing  her  eyes  upon  the  beach, 

As  though  unconscious  of  his  speech, 

She  said  '*  Each  gives  to  more  tlian  each.' 

He  could  not  answer  yea  or  nay  : 
He  faltered   "Gifts  may  pass  away," 
Yet  kne-w  not  what  he  meant  to  say. 

"  If  that  be  so,"  she  straight  replied, 
"  Each  heart  with  each  doth  coincide. 
V>  hat  boots  it?     For  the  world  is  wide." 


"he  faltered  'gifts  may  pass  away 


94 


THE  TIIKEE  VOICES. 

"The  world  is  but  a  Thought,"   said  he: 
"The  vast  unfathomable  sea 
Is  but   a  Notion — unto  me." 

And  darkly  fell  her  answer  dread 

Upon   his  unresisting  head, 

Like  half  a  hundredweight  of  lead. 

"  The  Good  and  Great  must  ever  shun 
That  reckless  and  abandoned   one 
Who  stoops  to  peipetrate  a  pun. 

"The  man  that  smokes — that  reads   the    Times 
That  goes  to  Christmas  Pantomimes- 
Is  capable  oi  any  crimes!" 

He  felt  it  was  his  turn  to  speak, 

A.nd,  with  a  shamed  and  crimson  cheek, 

Moaned   "This  is  harder  than  Bezique  ! " 

But  when  she  asked  him  "Wherefore  so?" 

He  felt  his  very  whiskers  glow, 

And  frankly  owned   "  I  do  not  know." 


'this  is  harder  than  BEZIQUE  !  " 


C^6  THE  THREE   VOICES. 

While,  like  broad  waves  of  golden  grain, 
Or  sunlit  hues  on  cloistered  pane, 
His  colour  came  and  went  again. 

Pitying  his  obvious  distress, 

Yet  with  a  tinge  of  bitterness, 

She  said  "  The  More  exceeds  the  Less." 

"A  truth  of  such  undoubted  weight," 
He  urged,  ''  and  so  extreme  in  date, 
It  were  superfluous  to  state." 

Roused  into  sudden  passion,  she 

In  tone  of  cold  malignity  : 

"  To  others,  yea  :  but  not  to  thee." 

But  when  she  saw  him  quail  and  quake. 
And  when  he  urged  "  For  pity's  sake  !  " 
Once  more  in  gentle  tone  she  spake. 

•'Thought  in  the  mind  doth  still  abide: 
That  is  by  Intellect  supplied. 
And  within  that  Idea  doth  hide : 


THE  FIRST  VOICE, 


97 


='  And  he,  that  yearns  the  truth  to  know, 
Still  farther  inwardly  may  go, 
And  find  Idea  from   Notion   flow  : 

"And  thus  the  chain,  that  sages  sought, 

Is  to  a  glorious  circle  wrought, 

For  Notion  hath  its  source  in  Thought.' 

So  passed  they  on  with  even  pace  • 
Yet  gradually  one  might  trace 
A  shadow  growing  on  his  face. 


98 


THE  THREE   VOICES. 


CJe  Srconti  Voice. 


They  walked  beside  the  wave-worn  beach 
Her  tongue  was  very  apt  to  teach, 
And  now  and  then  he  did  beseech 


She  would  abate  her  dulcet  tone. 
Because  the  talk  was  all  her  own, 
And  he  was  dull  as  any  drone. 


99 


THE  SECOND   VOICE. 

She  urged  "No  cheese  is  made  of  chalk"  : 
And  ceaseless  flowed  her  dreary  talk, 
Tuned  to  the  footfall  of  a  walk. 

Her  voice  was  very  full  and  rich, 

And,  when  at  length  she  asked  him  "  Which  ? 

It  mounted  to  its  highest  pitch. 

He  a  bewildered  answer  gave, 
Drowned  in  the  sullen  moaning  wave, 
Lost  in  the  echoes  of  the  cave. 

He  answered  her  he  knew  not  what : 
Like  shaft  from  bow  at  random  shot, 
He  spoke,  but  she  regarded  not. 

She  waited  not  for  his  reply, 
But  with  a  downward  leaden  ey^ 
Went  on  as  if  he  were  not  by  : 


Sound  argument  and  grave  defence, 

Strange  questions  raised  on  "Why?"  and  "Whence?' 

And  wildly  tangled  evidence. 


ICO  THE  THREE   VOICES. 

When  he,  with  racked  and  whiding  brain, 
Feebly  implored  her  to  explain, 
She  simply  said  it  all  again. 

Wrenched  with  an  agony  intense. 

He  spake,  neglecting  Sound  and  Sense, 

And  careless  of  all  consequence  : 

"  Mind — I  believe — is  Essence — Ent — 
Abstract — that  is — an  Accident — 
Which  we — that  is  to  say — I  meant—" 

When,  with  quick  breath  and  cheeks  all  flushed, 
At  length  his  speech  was  somewhat  hushed. 
She  looked  at  him,  and  he  was  crushed. 

It  needed  not  her  calm  reply : 
She  fixed  him  with  a  stony  eye, 
And  he  could  neither  fight  nor  fly, 

While  she  dissected^  word  by  word, 

His  speech,  half  guessed  at  and  half  heard. 

As  might  a  cat  a  little  bird. 


1JI^M1±:. 


HE   SPAKE,    NSGLEjriN  ;    ^OUNU    AND    SENSE  " 


I02  THE   THREE   VOICES. 

Then,  having  wholly  overthrown 
His  views,  and  stripped  them  to  the  bone- 
Proceeded  to  unfold  her  own. 

"Shall  Man  be  Man?     And  shall  he  miss 
Of  other  thoughts  no  thought  but  this, 
Harmonious  dews  of  sober  bliss? 

"What  boots  it?     Shall  his  fevered  eye 
Through  towering  nothingness  descry 
The  grisly  phantom  hurry  by? 

"  And  hear  dumb  shrieks  that  fill  the  air  ; 
See  mouths  that  gape,  and  eyes  that  stare 
And  redden  in  the  dusky  glare? 

"The  meadows  breathing  amber  light, 
The  darkness  toppling  from  the  height, 
The  feathery  train  of  granite  Night  ? 

*'  Shall  he,  grown  gray  among  his  peers, 
Through  the  thick  curtain  of  his  tears 
Catch  glimpses  of  his  earlier  years, 


CiHAI.L    MAN    BE    MAN 


04 


THE  THREE   VOICES. 

''  And  hear  the  sounds  he  knew  of  yore, 
Old  shufflings  on  the  sanded  floor, 
Old  knuckles  tapping  at  the  door? 

''  Yet  still  before  him  as  he  flies 
One  pallid  form  shall  ever  rise, 
And,  bodying  forth  in  glassy  eyes 

"The  vision  of  a  vanished  good, 

Low  peering  through  the  tangled  wood, 

Shall  freeze  the  current  of  his  blood.  " 

Still  from  each  fact,  with  skill  uncouth 

And  savage  rapture,  like  a  tooth 

She  wrenched  some  slow  reluctant  truthc 

Till,  like  a  silent  water-mill, 

When  summer  suns  have  dried  the  rill, 

She  reached  a  full  stop,  and  was  still. 

Dead  calm  succeeded  to  the  fuss, 
As  when  the  loaded  omnibus 
Has  reached   the  railway  terminus ; 


THE  SECOND   VOICE.  I05 

When,  for  the  tumult  of  the  street; 
Is  heard  the  engine's  stifled  beat. 
The  velvet  tread  of  porters'  feet. 

With  glance  that  ever  sought  the  ground, 
She  moved  her  lips  without  a  sound, 
And  every  no;v  and  then  she  frowned. 

He  gazed  upon  the  sleeping  sea, 
And  joyed  in  its  tranquillity, 
And  in  that  silence  dead,  but  she 

To  muse  a  little  space  did  seem, 

Then,  like  the  echo  of  a  dream, 

Harped  back  upon  her  threadbare  theme. 

StiU  an  attentive  ear  he  lent 

But  could  not  fathom  what  she  meant : 

She  was  not  deep,  nor  eloquent. 

He  marked  the  ripple  on  the  sand : 
The  even  swaying  of  her  hand 
Was  all  that  he  could  understand. 

p 


106  THE  7HREE  VOICES, 

He  saw  in  dreams  a  drawing-room, 
Where  thirteen  wretches  sat  in  gloom, 
Waiting — he  thought  he  knew  for  whom  : 

He  saw  them  drooping  here  and  there, 
Each  feebly  huddled  on  a  chair, 
In  attitudes  of  blank  despair : 

Oysters  were  not  more  mute  than  they, 
For  all  their  brains  were  pumped  away. 
And  they  had  nothing  more  to  say — 

Save  one,  who  groaned  "Three  hours  are  gone! 
Who  shrieked  ''We'll  wait  no  longer,  John! 
Tell  them  to  set  the  dinner  on  ! " 

The  vision  passed  :  the  ghosts  were  fled  : 

He  saw  once  more  that  woman  dread  : 

■  He  heard  once  more   the  words  she  said. 

He  left  her,  and  he  turned  aside  : 
He  sat  and  watched  the  coming  tide 
Across  the  shores  so  newly  dried. 


HE   SAT    AND    WATCHED    THE   COMING    TIDS 


io8 


THE  THREE   VOICES. 


He  wondered  at  the  waters  clear, 
The  breeze  that  whispered  in  his   eary 
The   billows  heaving   far  and  near, 

And  why  he  had  so  long  preferred 

To  hang  upon  her  every  word  : 

**In  truth,"  he  said,   "it  was  absurd." 


Oiiiil!i'i!l^i;'i''W'S- 


THE  THREE  VOICES. 


09 


^ijr  <rf)irtj  Foicf, 


Not  long  this  transport  held  its  place : 

Within  a  little  ir.oment's  space 

Quick  tears  were  raining  clown  his  face. 


His   heart  stood  still,  agiiast  with  fear; 
A  wordless  voice,   nor  far  nor  near, 
He  seemed   to  hear  and  not  to  hear. 


I  I O  THE  THREE   VOICES. 

**  Tears  kindle  not  the   doubtful   spark. 
If  so,  why  not  ?     Of  this  remark 
The  bearings  are  profoundly  dark." 

"Her  speech,"  he  said,  "hath  caused  this  pain. 
Easier  1  count  it  to  explain 
The  jargon  of  the  howling  main, 

"Or,   stretched  beside  some  babbling  brook, 
To  con,  with  inexpressive  look, 
An  unintelligible  book." 

Low  spake  the  voice  within  his  head, 
In  words  imagined  more  than  said. 
Soundless  as  ghost's  intended  tread : 

''If  thou  art  duller  than  before. 
Why  quittedst  ihou  the  voice  of  lore  ? 
Why  not  endure,  expecting  more?" 

"Rather  than  that,"  he  groaned  aghast, 
"  I  'd  writhe  in  depths  of  cavern  vast, 
Some  loathly  vampire's  rich  repast." 


HE   GROANTD    AGHA:^T  ' 


I  I  2  THE  THREE   VOICES. 

" 'Twere  hard,"   it  answered,  "  themes  immense 
To  coop  within   the   narrow  fence 
That  rings  thy  scant  intelligence." 

''Not  so,"   he  urged,  "nor  once  alone: 
But  there  was  something  in  her  tone 
That  chilled  me  to  the  very  bone. 

"  Her  style  was  anything  but  clear. 
And  most  unpleasantly   severe  ; 
Her  epithets   were  very   queer. 

"And  yet,  so  grand  were  her  replies, 
I  could  not  choose  but  deem  her  v/ise ; 
I  did  not  dare  to  criticise  ; 

"  Nor  did  I  leave  her,  till  she  went 

So  deep  in  tangled  argument 

That  all  my  powers  of  thought  were  spent." 

A  little  whisper  inly  slid, 

"Yet  truth  is  trntli :  you  know  you  did." 

A  little  wink   beneath  the  lid. 


THE  THIRD   VOICE,  1  I  3 


And,  sickened  with  excess  of  dread, 
Prone  to  tlie  dust  he  bent  his  head, 
And  lay  like  one  three-quarters   dead. 

The  whisper  left  him — like  a  breeze 
Lost  in  the  depths  of  leafy  trees — 
Left  him  by  no  means  at  his  ease. 

Once  more  he  weltered  in  despair, 
With  hands,   through  denser-matted  hair^ 
More  tightly  clenched  than  then  they  were. 

When,  bathed  in  Dawn  of  living  red, 
Majestic  frowned  the  mountain  head, 
*'TeU  me  my  fault,"  was  all  he  said. 

When,  at  high  Noon,   the  blazing  sky 
Scorched  in  his  head  each  haggard  eye. 
Then  keenest  rose  his  weary  cry. 

And  when  at  Eve  the  unpitying  sun 
Smiled  giimly  en  the  solemn  fun, 
"Alack,"   he  sighed,    "what  have   I   done?'* 

Q 


''^e^ 


,^^.; 


B.Hos-t, 


TORTURED,     I'NAIUKD,    AXO    ALONE 


THE   THIRD   VOICE. 

But  saddest,  darkest  was  the  sight, 
When  the  cold  grasp  of  leaden  Night 
Dashed  him  to  earth,  and  held  him  tight 

Tortured,  unaided,  and  alone. 
Thunders  were  silence  to  his  groan, 
Bagpipes  sweet  music  to  its  tone  : 

"What?     Ever  thus,  in  dismal  round, 
Shall   Pain  and  Mystery  profound 
Pursue  me  like  a  sleepless  hound, 

"  With  crimson-dashed  and  eager  jaws, 
Me,  still  in  ignorance  of  the  cause, 
Unknowing  what  I  broke  of  laws?" 

The  whisper  to  his  ear  did  s^em 
Like  echoed  flow  of  silent  stream, 
Or  shadow  of  forgotten  dream, 

The  whisper  trembling  in  the  wind  : 
''Her  fate  with  thine  was  intertwined," 
So  spake  it  in  his  inner  mind  : 


"a  scared  dullard,  gibbekixg  low 


THE  THIRD  VOICE, 

"  Each  orbed  on  each  a  baleful  star  : 
Each  proved  the  other's  blight  and  bar  : 
Each  unto  each  were  best,  most  far  : 

"  Yea,  each  to  each   was  worse  than  foe  : 
Thou,  a  scared  dullard,  gibbering  low, 
And  she,  an  avalanche  of  woe  ! " 


117 


TEMA   CON    VARIAZIONI. 


[Why  is  it,  that  Poetry  has  never  yet  been  subjected  to  that 
process  of  Dilution  which  has  proved  so  advantageous  to 
her  sister-art  Music?  The  Diluter  gives  us  first  a  few 
notes  of  some  well-known  Air,  then  a  dozen  bars  of  his 
own,  then  a  few  more  notes  of  the  Air,  and  so  on 
alternately  :  thus  saving  the  listener,  if  not  from  all  risk 
of  recognising  the  melody  at  all,  at  least  from  the  too- 
exciting  transports  which  it  might  produce  in  a  more 
concentrated  form.  The  process  is  termed  "setting"  by 
Composers,  and  any  one,  that  has  ever  experienced  the 
emotion  of  being  unexpectjdly  set  down  in  a  heap  of 
mortar,  will  recognise  the  truthfulness  of  this  happy  phrase. 
For  truly,  just  as  the  genuine  Epicure  lingers  lovingly 
over  a  morsel  of  supreme  Venison — whose  every  fibre  seems 
to  murmur  "Excelsior  !" — yet  swallows,  ere  returning  to  the 
toothsome  dainty,  great  mouthfuls  of  oatmeal  porridge  and 
winkles:  and  just  as  the  perfect  Connoisseur  in  Claret 
permits  himself  but  one  delicate  sip,  and  then  tosses  off  a 
pint  or  more  of  boarding-school  beer  :  so  also 


119 


I  NEVER  loved  a  dear  Gazelle— 
Nor  anything  that  cost  me  much  : 

High  prices  profit  those  luho  setl, 

But  why  should  I  be  fond  of  such  ? 

To  glad  me  with  his  soft  black  eye 

My  son  comes  trotting  home  from  school. 

Hes  had  a  fight,  but  ca?it  tell  why- 
He  ahvays  was  a  little  fool  I 

But,   when  he  came  to  know  me  well, 
He  kicked  me  out,  her  testy  Sire : 

And  when  I  stained  my  hair,   that  Belle 
Might  note  the  change,   and  thus  admire 

And  love  me,  it  was  sure  to  dye 
A   muddy  green  or  staring  blue  : 

While  one  might  trace,  with  half  a?i  eye, 
The  still-triumphant  carrot  through. 


A  GAME  OF  FIVES. 


Five  little  girls,  of  Five,  Four,  Three,  Two,  One  : 
Rolling  on  the  hearthrug,  full  of  tricks  and  fun. 

Five  rosy  girls,   in  years  from  Ten  to  Six : 
Sitting  down  to  lessons — no  more  time  for  tricks. 

Five  growing  girls,  from  Fifteen  to  Eleven: 

Music,  Drawing,  Languages,  and  food  enough  for  seven  ! 


Five  winsome  girls,  from  Twenty  to  Sixteen  : 
Each  young  man  that  calls,   I  say    "Now  tell   me  which 
you  meaji  I  " 


NOW  TELL   ME  WHICH  YOf   MEAN! 


122  '4   GAME  OF  FIVES. 

Five  dashing  girls,  the  youngest  Twenty-one: 

But,  if  nobody  proposes,   what  is  there  to  be  done? 

Five   showy  giils— but  Thirty  is  an  age 
When    girls    may    be    engaging,    but    they    somehow   don't 
engage. 

Five  dressy  girls,  of  Thirty-one  or  more  : 
So  gracious  to  the  shy  young  men  they  snubbed  so  much 
before  ! 


Five  passe  girls — Their  age  ?  Well,  never  mind  ! 

We  jog  along  together,  like  the  rest  of  human  kind: 

But    the    quondam    "careless    bachelor"    begins    to    think 

he  knows 
The    answer    to    that    ancient    problem    "how    the    money 

goes "  ! 


POETA  FIT,  NON   NASCITUR. 


^<i^^£HC^^' 


'•  How  shall  I  be  a  poet  ? 
How  shall  I  write  in  rhyme? 


124  POET  A  FIT, 

You  told  me  orxe  '  the  very  wisli 

Partook  of  the  sublime.' 
Then  tell  me  how  !    Don't  put  me  off 

With  your  'another  time'  !  " 

The  old  man  smiled  to  see  him, 

To  hear  his  sudden  sally ; 
He  liked  the  lad  to  speak  his  mind 

Enthusiastically ; 
And  thought  "There's  no  hum-drum  in  him, 

Nor  any  shilly-shally.'' 

"  And  would  you  be  a  poet 
Before  you'\'e  been  to  school  ? 

Ah,  well  !    I  hardly  thought  you 
So  absolute  a  fool. 

First  learn  to  be  spasmodic — 
A  very  simple  rule. 

'*  For  first  you  write  a  sentence, 

And  then  you  chop  it  small  : 
Then  mix  the  bits,  and  sort  them  out 

Just  as  they  chance  to  fall : 


NON  NASCITUK.  I  2  5 

The  order  of  the  phrases  makes 
No  difference  at  all. 

"Then,  if  you'd  be  impressive, 

Remember  what  I  say, 
That  abstract  qualities  begin 

With  capitals  alway  : 
The  True,  the  Good,  the  Beautiful— 

Those  are  the  things  that  pay  ! 

"  Next,  when  you  are  describing 

A  shape,  or  sound,  or  tint ; 
Don't  state  the  matter  plainly, 

But  put  it  in  a  hint ; 
And  learn  to  look   at  all  things 

With  a  sort  of  mental  squint." 

"For  instance,  if  I  wished,   Sir, 

Of  mutton-pies  to  tell, 
Should  I  say   'dreams  of  fleecy  flocks 

Pent  in  a  wheaten  cell '  ?  " 
*'Why,  yes,"  the  old  man  said:    ''that  phrase 

Would  answer  very  well. 


I  26  to  ETA  FIT,  NON  NASCITUR. 

"Then  fourthly,  there  are  epithets 

That  suit  with  any   word — 
As  well  as   Harvey's   Reading  Sauce 

With  fish  or  flesh,   or   bird — 
Of  these,   *  wild,'  '  lonely,'   '  weary,'  '  strange, 

Are  much  to  be  preferred." 

*'And  will  it  do,   O  will  it  do 

To  take  them  in  a  lump— 
As   '  the  wild  man  went  his  weary  way 

To  a  strange  and   lonely  pump'?" 
"  Nay,   nay  !      You  must  not  hastily 

To  such  conclusions  jamp. 

''Such  epithets,  like  pepper, 
Give  zest  to  what  you  write ; 

And,  if  you  strew  them  sparel}', 
They  whet  the  appetite  : 

But  if  you  lay  them   on  too  thick, 
You  spoil  the  matter  quite  ! 

"  Last,  as  to  the  arrangement : 

Your  reader,  you  should  show  him, 


THE   WILD    MAN    WENT    HIS   WEARY    WAY 


128  FGETA  FIT. 

Must  take  what  information  he 
Can  get,  and  look  for  no  im- 
mature disclosure  of  the  drift 
And  purpose  of  your  poem. 

"Therefore,  to  test  his  patience  — 
How  much  he  can  endure — 

Mention  no  places,   names,  or  dates, 
And  evermore  be  sure 

Throughout   the  poem  to  be  found 
Consistently  obscure. 

"  First  fix  upon  the  limit 
To  which  it  shall  extend  : 

Then  fill  it  up  with   *  Padding' 
(Beg  some  of  any  friend)  : 

Your  great  Sensation-stanza 
You  place  towards  the  end." 

"And  what  is  a  Sensation, 
Grandfather,  tell  me,  pray? 

I   think  I  never  heard  the  word 
So  used  before  to-day : 


NON  NASCITUR.  I  2Q 

Be  kind  enough  to  mention  one 
•  Exempli  gratia,'' " 

And  the  old  man,  looking  sadly 

Across  the  garden-lawn, 
Where  here  and  there  a  dew-drop 

Yet  glittered  in  the  dawn, 
Said  "Go  to  the  Adelphi, 

And  see  the  'Colleen  Bawn,' 

"The  word  is  due  to  Boucicault — ■ 

The  theory  is  his, 
Where  Life  becomes  a  Spasm, 

And  History  a  Whiz  : 
If  that  is  not  Sensation, 

I  don't  know  what  it  is. 

"  Now  try  your  hand,   ere  Fancy 

Have  lost  its  present  glow — " 
"And  then,''  his  grandson  added, 

"We'll  publish  it,  you  know: 
Green  cloth — gold-lettered-  at  the  back — 

In  duodecimo ! " 


POETA  FIT,  NON  NASCJTUR. 

Then  proudly  smiled  that  old  man 

To  see  the  eager  lad 
Rush  madly  for  his  pen  and  ink 

And  for  his  blottii-)g-pad  — 
But,  when  he   thought   of  publishijig^ 

His  face  grew  stern  and  sad. 


THE   HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK, 

PREFACE. 


If — and  the  thing  is  wildly  possible — the  charge  of 
writing  nonsense  were  ever  brought  against  the  author  of 
this  brief  but  instructive  poem,  it  would  be  based,  I  feel 
convinced,  on  the  line  (in  p.  144) 

"Then  the  bowsprit  gjt  mixed  with  the  rudder  sometimes  :  " 

In  view  of  this  painful  possibility,  I  will  not  (as  I  might) 
appeal  indignantly  to  my  other  writings  as  a  proof  that  I 
am  incapable  of  such  a  deed  :  I  will  not  (as  I  might)  point 
to  the  strong  moral  purpose  of  this  poem  itself,  to  the 
arithmetical  principles  so  cautiously  inculcated  in  it,  or  to 
its  noble  teachings  in  Natural  History — I  will  take  the 
more  prosaic  course  of  simply  explaining  how  it  happened. 


132 


THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK. 


The  Bellman,  who  was  almost  morbidly  sensitive  about 
appearances,  used  to  have  the  bowsprit  unshipped  once  or 
twice  a  week  to  be  rcvarnishcd  ;  and  it  more  than  once 
happened,  when  the  time  came  for  replacing  it,  that  no  one 
on  board  could  remember  which  end  of  the  ship  it  belonged 
to.  They  knew  it  was  not  of  the  slightest  use  to  appeal  to 
the  Bellman  about  it — he  would  only  refer  to  his  Naval 
Code,  and  read  out  in  pathetic  tones  Admiralty  Instructions 
which  none  of  them  had  ever  been  able  to  understand — 
so  it  generally  ended  in  its  being  fastened  on,  anyhow, 
across  the  rudder.  The  helmsman  ^  used  to  stand  by  with 
tears  in  his  eyes  :  he  knew  it  was  all  wrong,  but  alas  !  Rule 
42  of  the  Code,  ''No  one  shall  speak  to  the  Man  at  the 
Helm,''  had  been  completed  by  the  Bellman  himself  with 
the  words  "  and  the  Man  at  the  Helm  shall  speak  to  no  o?ie." 
So  remonstrance  was  impossible,  and  no  steering  could  be 
done  till  the  next  varnishing  day.  During  these  bewildering 
intervals  the  ship  usually  sailed  backwards. 

As  this  poem  is  to  some  extent  connected  with  the  lay  of 
the  Jabberwock,  let  me  take  this  opportunity  of  answering 
a  question  that  has  often  been  asked  me,  how  to  pronounce 
''sHthy  toves."  The  "i"  in  "  sHthy "  is  long,  as  in 
**  writhe  "  ;  and  "  toves  "  is  pronounced  so  as  to  rhyme  with 
"groves."  Again,  the  first  "o"'  in  "borogoves"  is  pro- 
nounced like  the  "o"  in  "borrow."  I  have  heard  people 
try  to  give  it  the  sound  of  the  '"o"'  in  "worry."  Such  is 
Human  Perversity. 


*  This  office  was  usually  under!  aken  by  the  Boots,  who  found  in  it 
a  refuge  from  the  Baker's  constant  coniplaints  about  the  insufficient 
blacking  of  his  three  pair  of  boots. 


PREFACE.  133 

This  also  seems  a  fitting  occasion  to  notice  the  other 
hard  words  in  that  poem.  Humpty-Dumpty's  theory,  of 
two  meanings  packed  into  one  word  Hke  a  portmanteau, 
seems  to  me  the  right  explanation  for  all. 

For  instance,  take  the  two  words  "fuming"  and 
''furious."  Make  up  your  mind  that  you  will  say  both 
words,  but  leave  it  unsettled  which  you  will  say  first.  Now 
open  your  mouth  and  speak.  If  your  thoughts  incline  ever 
so  little  towards  '"fuming,"  you  will  say  "  fuming  furious "  ; 
if  they  turn,  by  even  a  hair's  breadth,  towards  '•'  furious," 
you  will  say  "  furious-fuming  "  ;  but  if  you  have  that  rarest 
of  gifts,  a  perfectly  balanced  mind,  you  will  say  '•  frumious.'* 

Supposing  that,  when  Pistol  uttered  the  well-known 
words  — 

"  Under  \\hich  king,  Bezonian  ?     Speak  or  die  !  " 

Justice  Shallow  had  felt  certain  that  it  was  either  William  or 
Richard,  but  had  not  been  able  to  settle  wliich,  so  that  he 
could  not  possibly  say  either  name  before  the  other,  can  it 
be  doubted  that,  rather  than  die,  he  would  have  gasped  out 
'^Rilchiam  !" 


]fit   tbe  3flr6t. 

THE  LANDING. 

"  Just  the  place  for  a  Snark  1  "  the  Bellman  cried, 

As  he  landed  his  crew  with  care  ; 
Supporting  each  man  on  tlie  top  of  the  tide 

By  a  finger  entwined  in  his  hair. 

"  Just  the  place  for  a  Snark  !  I  have  said  it  twice 
That  alone  should  encourage  the  crew. 

Just  the  place  for  a  Snark  !  I  have  said  it  thrice  : 
What  I  tell  you  three  times  is  true.  " 

The  crew  was  complete :    it  included  a  Boots — ■ 

A  maker  of   Bonnets  and  Hoods — 
A  Barrister,  brought  to  arrange  their  disputes — ■ 

And  a  Broker,   to  value  their  goods. 


;U??ORTIXG    EACH    MAX    ON    THE    TOl'    01-    THE   TIDE 


136  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK. 

A  Billiard-marker,  whose  skill  was  immense, 

Might  perhaps  have  won  more  than  his  share — 

But  a  Banker,  engaged  at  enormous  expense, 
Had  the  whole  of  their  cash  in  his  care. 

There  was  also  a   Beaver,   that   paced  on  the  deck, 

Or  would   sit  making  lace  in  the  bow : 
And  had  often   (the  Bellman  said)  saved  them  from   wreck 

Though  none  of  the  sailors  knew  how. 

There  was  one  who  was  famed  for  the  number  of  things 

He  forgot  when  he  entered  the  ship  : 
His  umbrella,  his   watch,   all  his  jewels  and   rings, 

And  the  clothes  he  had  bought   for  the  trip. 

He  had  forty-two  boxes,   all  carefully  packed, 

With  his   name  painted  clearly  on  each: 
But,   since  he  omitted  to  mention  the   fact, 

They  were  all  left  behind  on   the  beach. 

The  loss  of  his  clothes  hardly  mattered,   because 

He  had  seven  coats  on  when  he  came, 
With  three  pair  of  boots — but  the  worst  of  it  was, 

He  had  wholly  forgotten  his  name. 


HE   HAD    WHOLLY    FORGOTTEN    HIS    NAME 


I  38  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK. 

He  would  answer  to  "  Hi !  "   or  to  any  loud  cry, 
Such  as   "Fry  me!"   or  -'Fritter  my  wig!" 

To   "  What-you-may-call-um  !  "   or  "  What-was-his-name  ! '" 
But  especially   "Thing-um-a  jig  !  " 

While,   for  those  who  preferred  a   more  forcible  word, 

He  had  different   names  from  these  : 
His   intimate  friends   called   him   "  Candle-ends, " 

And  his   enemies   "  Toasted-cheese.  " 

"  His  form  is  ungainly — his  intellect  small — " 

(So  the  Bellman  would  often  remark) — 
"  But  his   courage  is  perfect !     And  that,  after  all, 

Is  the  thing  that  one  needs  with  a  Snark." 

He  would  joke  with  hyaenas,  returning  their  stare 

With  an  impudent  wag  of  the  head : 
And  he  once  went  a  walk,  paw-in-paw,   with  a  bear, 

"Just  to  keep  up  its  spirits,"  he  said. 

He  came  as  a  Baker  :  but  owned,  when  too  late — 
And  it  drove  the   poor   Bellman  half-mad — 

He  could  only  bake  Bride-cake — for  which,  I   may  state, 
No  materials  were  to  be  had. 


THE  LANDING.  I  39 

Ti.e  last  of  the  crew  needs  especial  remark, 

Though  he  looked  an  incredible  dunce : 
He  had  just  one  idea — -but,  that  one  being  "Snark," 

The  good  Bellman  engaged  him  at  once. 

He   came  as  a  Butcher:  but  gravely  declared, 
When  the  ship  had  been   sailing  a  week, 

He  could  only  kill  Beavers.     The  Bellman  looked  scared, 
And  was  almost  too  frightened  to  speak : 

But  at  length  he  explained,  in  a  tremulous  tone, 

There  was  only  one  Beaver  on'  board  ; 
And  that  was  a  tame  one  he  had  of  his  own, 

Whose  death  would  be  deeply  deplored. 

The  Beaver,  who  happened  to  hear  the  remark, 

Protested,  with  tears  in  its  eyes, 
That  not  even  the  rapture  of  hunting  the  Snark 

Could  atone  for  that  dismal  surprise  ! 

It  strongly  advised  that  the  Butcher  should  be 

Conveyed  in  a  separate  ship  : 
But  the  Bellman  declared  that  would  never  agree 

With  the  plans  he  had  made  for  the  trip : 


THE  LANDING.  i\\ 

Navigation  was  always  a  difficult  art, 

Though  with  only  one  ship  tind  one  bell  : 

And  he  feared  he  must  really  decline,  for  his  part, 
Undertaking  another  as  well. 

The  Beaver's  best  course  was,  no  doubt,  to  procure 

A  second-hand  dagger-proof  coat — ■ 
So  the  Baker  advised  it— and  next,  to  insure 

Its  Ufe  in  some  Office  of  note  : 

This  the  Banker  suggested,  and  offered  for  hire 

(On  moderate  terms),   or  for  sale, 
Two  excellent  Policies,  one  Against  Fire, 

And  one  Against  Damage  From  Hail. 

Yet  still,  ever  after  that  sorrowful  day, 

Whenever  the  Butcher  was  by, 
The  Beaver  kept  looking  the  opposite  way, 

And  appeared  unaccountably  shy. 


]fit  tbc  Secon^, 

THE  BELLMAN'S  SPEECH. 

The  Bellman  himself  they  all  praised  to  the  skies^ 
Such  a  carriage,  such  ease  and  such  grace  ! 

Such  solemnity,  too  !     One  could  see  he  was  wise, 
The  moment  one  looked  in  his  face  ! 

He  had  bought  a  large  map  representing  the  sea, 

Without  the  least  vestige  of  land  : 
And  the  crew  were  much  pleased  when  they  found  it  to  be 

A  map  they  could  all  understand. 

"  Whai's  the  good  of  Mercator's  North  Poles  and  Equators 

Tropics,  Zones,  and  Meridian  Lines?" 
So  the  Bellman  would  cry :  and  the  crew  would  reply 

"  They  are  merely  conventional  signs  ! 


THE  BELLMAN'S  SPEECH. 


^^Z 


LATITUDE 


NORTH 


EQUATOR 


iicale  of  Miles. 


OCEAN-CHART. 


144 


THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK. 


"  Other  maps  are  such  shapes,  with  their  islands  and  capes ! 

But  we've  got  our  brave  Captain  to  thank  " 
(So  tlie  crew  would  protest)   "  that  he's  bought   7:s 
the  best — 

A  perfect  and  absolute  blank  !  " 

This  was  charming,  no  doubt  :  but  tliey  shortly  found  out 

That  the  Captain  they  trusted  so  well 
Had  only  one  notion  for  crossing  the  ocean, 

And  tliat  was  to  tingle  liis  bell. 

He  was  thoughtful  and  gravj — but  the  orders  he  gave 

Were  enough  to  bewilder  a  cre\v. 
When  he  cried  "Steer  to  starboard,  but  keep  her 
head  larboard  '  " 

What  on  earth  was  tlie  helmsman  to  do? 

Then  the  bowsprit  got  mixed  with  the  rudder  sometimes : 

A  thing,  as  the  Bellman  remarked. 
That  frequently  happens  in  tropical  climes, 

When  a  vessel  is,   so  to  speak,   "  snarked.  " 

But  the  principal  failing  occurred  in  the  sailing, 
And  the  Bellman,  perplexed  and  distressed, 


THE  BELLMAN 'S  SPEE  CH.  145 

Said  he  had  hoped,  at  least,when  the  wind  blew  due  East, 
That  the  ship  would  not  travel  due  West ! 

But  the  danger  was  past — they  had  landed  at  last, 
With  their  boxes,  portmanteaus,  and  bags  : 

Yet  at  first  sight  the  crew  were  not  pleased  witli  the  view 
Which  consisted  of  chasms  and  crags. 

The  Bellman  perceived  that  their  spirits  were  low, 

And  repeated  in  musical  tone 
Some  jokes  he  had  kept  for  a  season  of  woe — 

But  the  crew  would  do  nothing  but  groan. 

He  served  out  some  grog  with  a  liberal  hand, 

And  bade  them  sit  down  on  the  beach  : 
And  they  could  not  but  own  that   their  Captain 
looked  grand, 

As  he  stood  and  delivered  his  speech. 

"Friends,  Romans,  and  countrymen,  lend  me  your  ears!" 
(They  were  all  of  them  fond  of  quotations  : 

So  they  drank  to  his  health,  and  they  gave  him  three  cheers, 
While  he  served  out  additional  rations). 

u 


146  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK, 

'*  We  have  sailed  many  months,  we  have  sailed  many  weeks, 
(Four  weeks  to  the  month  you  may  mark), 

But  never  as  yet  ('tis  your  Captain  who  speaks) 
Have  we  caught  the  least  glimpse  of  a  Snark  ! 

'*We  have  sailed  many  weeks,  we  have  sailed  many  days, 

(Seven  days  to  the  week  I  allow), 
But  a  Snark,  on  the  which  we  might  lovingly  gaze, 

We  have  never  beheld  till  now  ! 

'*  Come,  hsten,  my  men,  while  I  tell  you  again 

The  five  unmistakable  marks 
By  which  you  may  know,  wheresoever  you  go, 

The  warranted  genuine  Snarks. 

*'  Let  us  take  them  in  order.     The  first  is  the  taste, 

Which  is  meagre  and  hollow,  but  crisp  : 
Like  a  coat  that  is  rather  too  tight  in  the  waist. 

With  a  flavour  of  Will-o-the-wisp. 

**  Its  habit  of  getting  up  late  you'll  agree 

That  it  carries  too  far,  when  I  say 
That  it  frequently  breakfasts  at  five-o'clock  tea, 

And  dines  on  the  following  day^ 


THE  BELLMAN'S  SPEECH.  1 47 

"The  third  is  its  slowness  in   taking  a  jest. 

Should  you  happen  to  venture  on  one, 
It  will  sigh  like  a  thing  that  is  deeply  distressed; 

And  it  always  looks  grave  at  a  pun. 

"The  fourth  is  its  fondness  for  bathing-machines, 

Which  it  constantly  carries  about, 
And  beUeves  that  they  add  to  the  beauty  of  scenes— 

A  sentiment  open  to  doubt. 

"The  fifth  is  ambition.     It  next  will  be  right 

To  describe  each  particular  batch  : 
Distinguishing  those  that  have  feathers,  and  bite, 

From  those  that  have  whiskers,  and  scratch. 

''  For,  although  common  Snarks  do  no  manner  of  harm, 

Yet  I  feel  it  my  duty  to  say 
Some  are  Boojums— "     The  Bellman  broke  off  in  alarm, 

For  the  Baker  had  fainted  away. 


]fit   tbc  ^birt). 

THE  BAKER'S  TALE. 

Thfy  roused  him  with  muffins — they  roused  him  with  ice — 
They  roused  him  with  mustard  and  cress — 

They  roused  him  with  jam  and  judicious  advice — • 
They  set  him  conundrums  to  guess. 

When  at  length  he  sat  up  and  was  al^le  to  speak, 

His  sad  story  he  offered  to  tell ; 
And  the  Bellman  cried   "  Silence  !  Not  even  a  shriek  ! " 

And  excitedly  tingled  his  bell. 

There  was  silence  supreme  !  Not  a  shriek,  not  a  scream, 

Scarcely  even  a  howl  or  a  groan. 
As  the  man  they  called  "  Ho  ! "  told  his  story  of  woe 

In  an  antediluvian  tone. 


THE  BAKER'S  7 ALE.  1 49 

'*My  father  and  motlier  were  honest,  though  poor—" 
"  Skip  all  that  ! "  cried  the  Bellman  in  haste. 

"If  it  once  becomes  dark,  there's  no  chance  of  a  Snark— 
We  have  hardly   a  minute  to  waste  ! 

'•  I  skip  forty  years,"  said  the  Baker,  in  tears, 

*'And  proceed  without  further  remark 
To  the  day  when  you  took  me  aboard  of  your  ship 

To  help  you  in  hunting  the  Snark. 

**  A  dear  uncle  of  mine  (after  whom  I  was  named) 
Remarked,  when  I  bade  him  farewell — " 

"  Oh,  skip  your  dear  uncle !  "  the  Bellman  exclaimed, 
As  he  angrily  tingled  his  bell. 

"  He  remarked  to  me  then,"  said  that  mildest  of  men, 
'' '  If  your  Snark  be   a   Snark,  that  is  right  : 

Fetch  it  home  by  all  means— you  may  serve  it  with  greens 
And  it's  handy  for  striking  a  light. 

"  '  You  may  seek  it  with  thimbles— and  seek  it  with  care 

You  may  hunt  it  with  forks  and  hope; 
You  may  threaten  its  life  with  a  railway-share  ; 

You  may  charm  it  with  smiles  and  soap — '  " 


1  50  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK. 

(''That's  exactly  the  method,"  the  BeUman   bold 

In  a  hasty  parenthesis  cried, 
"  That's  exactly  the  way  I  have  always  been  told 

That  the  capture  of  Snarks  should  be  tried!") 

"  '  But  oh,  beamish  nephew,  beware  of  the  day, 

If  your  Snark   be  a  Boojum  !  For  then 
You  will  softly  and  suddenly  vanish  away, 

And  never  be  met  with  again  !  ' 

'■'  It  is  this,  it  is  this  that  oppresses  my  soul, 
When  I  think  of  my  uncle's  last  words  : 

And  my  heart  is  like  nothing  so  much  as  a  bowl 
Brimming  over  with  quivering  curds  ! 

"  It  is  this,  it  is  this — "   "  We  have  had  that  before  !  " 

The  Bellman  indignantly  said. 
And  the  Baker  replied  "Let  me  say  it  once  more. 

It  is  this,  it  is  this  that  I  dread  ! 

"  I  engage  with  the  Snark  — every  night  after  dark — 

In  a  dreamy  delirious  fight : 
I  serve  it  with  greens  in  those  shadowy  scenes, 

And  I  use  it  for  striking  a  light : 


JUT    OH,     BEAMISH    NEHHRW,    BEWARE   OF    THE    DAY 


152  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK. 

''  But  if  ever  I  meet  with  a  Boojum,  that  day, 
In  a  moment  (of  this  I  am  sure), 

I  shall  softly  and  suddenly  vanish  away — 
And  the  notion  I  cannot  endure  !  " 


Ifit   tbc  Jfourtb. 

THE  HUNTING. 

The  Bellman  looked  uffish,  and  wrinkled  his  brow. 

"  If  only  you'd  spoken  before  ! 
It's  excessively  awkward  to  mention  it  now, 

With  the  Snark,  so  to  spe^ik,  at  the  door  ! 

"  We  should  all  of  us  grieve,  as  you  well  may  believe, 

If  you   never  were  met  with  again — 
But  surely,  my  man,  when  the  voyage  began, 

You  might  have  suggested  it  then  ? 

"  It's  excessively  awkward  to  mention  it  now — 

As  I  think  I've  already  remarked." 
And  the  man  they  called  "  Hi !  "  replied,  with  a  sigh, 

"  I  informed  you  the  day  we  embarked. 

X 


I  54  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK. 

''  You  may  charge  me  with  murder — -or  want  of  sense- 

(We  are  all  of  us  weak  at  times)  : 
But  the  slightest  approach  to  a  false  pretence 

Was  never  among  my  crimes  ! 

"I  said  it  in  Hebrew — I  said  it  in  Dutch — 

I  said  it  in  German  and  Greek  : 
But  I  wlioUy  forgot  (and  it  vexes  me  much) 

That  English  is  what  you  speak  !" 

"Tis  a  pitiful  tale,"  said  the  Bellman,  whose  face 

Had  grown  longer  at  every  word  : 
''  But,  now  that  you've  stated  the  whole  of  your  case, 

More  debate  would  be  simply  absurd. 

"  The  rest  of  my  speech "  ,he  explained  to  his  men) 
"  You  shall  hear  when  I've  leisure  to  speak  it. 

But  the  Snark  is  at  hand,  let  me  tell  you  again  ! 
'Tis  your  glorious  duty  to  seek  it ! 

*'To  seek  it  with  thimbles,  to  seek  it  with  care; 

To  pursue  it  with  forks  and  hope; 
To  threaten  its  life  with  a  railway-share; 

To  charm  it  with  smiles  and  soap  ! 


v^^^mkl^S^/M 


^N^     ,V 


^    v.^     .M 


^<^ 


//^ 


*-\ 


^OC' 


"  TO    PURSUE   IT    WITH    FORKS    AND    HOFR ' 


I  56  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNAKK, 

"  For  the  Snark's  a  peculiar  creature,   that  won't 

Be  caught  in  a  commonplace  way. 
Do  all  that  you  know,  and  try  all  that  you  don'i : 

Not  a  chance  must  be  wasted  to-day  ! 

"  For  England  expects — I  forbear  to  proceed  : 

'Tis  a  maxim  tremendous,  but  trite  : 
And  you'd  best  be  unpacking  the  things  that  you  need 

To  rig  yourselves  out  for  the  fight." 

Then  the  Banker  endorsed  a  blank  cheque  (which 
he  crossed), 

And  changed  his  loose  silver  for  notes  : 
The  Baker  with  care  combed  his  whiskers  and  hair, 

And  shook  the  dust  out  of  his  coats  : 

The  Boots  and  the  Broker  were  sharpening  a  spade — ■ 

Each  working  the  grindstone  in  turn  : 
But  the  Beaver  went   on  making  lace,   and  displayed 

No  interest  in  the  concern  : 

Though  the  Barrister  tried  to  appeal  to  its  pride, 
And  vainly  proceeded  to  cite 


THE  HUNTING.  I  5  7 

A  number  of  cases,  in  which  making  laces 
Had  been  proved  an  infringement  of  right. 

The  maker  of  Bonnets  ferociously  planned 

A  novel  arrangement  of  bows : 
While  the  Billiard-marker  with  quivering  hand 

Was  chalking  the  tip  of  his  nose. 

But    the    Butcher    turned    nervous,   and    dressed    himself 
fine, 

With  yellow  kid  gloves  and  a  ruff — 
Said  he  felt  it  exactly  like  going  to  dine, 

Which  the  Bellman  declared  was  all  "stuff." 

**  Introduce  me,  now  there's  a  good  fellow,"  he  said, 

•'  If  we  happen  to  meet  it  together  ! " 
And  the  Bellman,  sagaciously  nodding  his  head, 

Said  "That  must  depend  on  the  weather." 

The  Beaver  went  simply  galumphing  about, 

At  seeing  the  Butcher  so  shy : 
And  even  the  Baker,  though  stupid  and  stout, 

Made  an  effort  to  wink  with  one  eye. 


1^8  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK. 

"  Be  a  man  !  "  cried  the  Bellman  in  wrath,  as  he  heard 

The  Butcher  beginning  to  sob. 
"Should  we  meet  with  a  Jubjub,  that  desperate  bird, 

We  shall  need  all  our  strength  for  the  job  !  " 


]fit   tbe  Jfiftb. 

THE  BEA  VER'S  LESSON. 

They  sought  it  with  thimbles,  they  sought  it  with  care; 

They  pursued  it  with  forks  and  hope  ; 
They  threatened  its  life  with  a  railway-share ; 

They  charmed  it  with  smiles  and  soap. 

Then  the  Batcher  contrived  an  ingenious  plan 

For  making  a  separate  sally  ; 
And  had  fixed  on  a  spot  unfrequented  by  man, 

A  dismal  and  desolate  valley. 

But  the  very  same  plan  to  the  Beaver  occurred  s 

It  had  chosen  the  very  same  place  : 
Yet  neither  betrayed,  by  a  sign  or  a  word, 

The  disgust  that  appeared  in  his  face. 


l6o  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK, 

Each  thought  he  was  thinking  of  nothing  but  "Snark" 

And  the  glorious  work  of  tlie  day ; 
And  each  tried  to  pretend  that  he  did  not  remark 

That  the  other  was  going  that  way. 

But  the  valley  grew  narrow  and  narrower  still, 
And  the  evening  got  darker  and  colder, 

Till  (merely  from  nervousness,  not  from  good  will) 
They  marched  along  shoulder  to  shoulder. 

Then  a  scream,  shrill  and  high,  rent  the  shudderinj*  sky 
And  they  knew  that  some  danger  was  near  : 

The  Beaver  turned  pale  to  the  t'p  of  its  tail, 
And  even  the  Butcher  felt  queer. 

He  thought  of  his  childhood,  left  far  far  behind — 

That  blissful  and  innocent  state — 
The  sound  so  exactly  recalled  to  his  mind 

A  pencil  that  squeaks  on  a  slate  ! 

"'Tis  the  voice  of  the  Jubjub  ! "  he  suddenly  cried. 

(This  man,  that  they  used  to  call  "  Dunce.") 
"■  As  the  Bellman  would  tell  you,"  he  added   with  pride, 

"  I  have  uttered  that  sentiment  once. 


THE  BE  A  VER'S  LESSON.  1 6 1 

"■  'Tis  the  note  of  the  Jubjub  !     Keep  count,  I  entreat  , 

You  will  find  I  have  told  it  you  twice. 
'Tis  the  song  of  the  Jubjub  !  The  proof  is  complete, 

If  only  I've  stated  it  thrice." 

The  Beaver  had  counted  with  scrupulous  care, 

Attending  to  every  word  : 
Bat  it  fairly  lost  heart,  and  outgrabe  in  despair, 

When  the  third  repetition  occurred. 

It  felt  that,  in  spite  of  all  possible  pains, 
It  had   somehow  contrived  to  lose  count. 

And  the  only  thing  now  was  to  rack  its  poor  brains 
By  reckoning  up  the  amount. 

"  Two  added  to  one — if  that  could  but  be  done," 
It  said,  "with  one's  fingers  and  thumbs!" 

Recollecting  with  tears  how,  in  earlier  years, 
It  had  taken  no  pains  with  its  sums. 

"  The  thing  can  be  done,"  said  the  Butcher,   *'  I  think 

The  thing  must  be  done,  I  am  sure. 
The  thing  shall  be  done  !     Bring  me  paper  and  ink, 

The  best  there  is  time  to  procure." 

Y 


l62  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK-. 

The  Beaver  brought  paper,  portfolio,  pens, 

And  ink  in  unfailing  supplies  : 
While  strange  creepy  creatures  came  out  of  their  dens, 

And  watched  them  with  wondering  eyes. 

So  engrossed  was  the  Butcher,   he  heeded   them  not, 
As  he  wrote  with  a  pen  in  each  hand, 

And  explained  all  the  while   in   a  popular  style 
Which  the  Beaver  could  well  understand. 

"Taking  Three  as  the  subject  to  reason  about — • 

A  convenient  number  to  state — 
We  add   Seven,  and  Ten,  and  then  multiply  out 

By  One  Thousand  diminished  by  Eight. 

"The  result  we  proceed  to  divide,   as  you  see. 
By  Nine  Hundred  and   Ninety  and  Two : 

Then  subtract  Seventeen,  and  the  answer  must  be 
Exactly  and  perfectly  true. 

"The  method  employed  I   would  gladly  explain, 

While  I  have  it  so  clear  in  my  head, 
If  I  had  but  the  time  and  you  had  but  the  brain — 

But  much  yet  remains  to  be  said. 


"thb  beavkr  brought  paper,  portfolio,  pens" 


1 64  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK, 

"  In  one  moment  I've  seen    what  has  hitherto  been 

Enveloped  in  absolute  mystery, 
And  without  extra  charge  I  will  give  you  at  large 

A  Lesson  in  Natural  History." 

In  his  genial  way  he  proceeded  to  say 

(Forgetting  all  laws  of  propriety, 
And   that  giving  instruction,  without  introduction, 

Would  have  caused  quite  a  thrill  in  Society), 

"  As  to  temper  the  Jubjub's  a  desperate  bird. 

Since  it  lives  in  perpetual  passion  : 
Its  taste  in  costume  is  entirely  absurd — • 

It  is  ages  ahead  of  the  fashion  : 

"  But  it  knows  any  friend  it  has  met  once  before : 

It  never  will  look  at  a  bribe  : 
And  in  charity-meetings  it  stands  at  the  door, 

And  collects — though  it  does  not  subscribe. 

*'  Its  flavour  when  cooked  is  more  exquisite  far 

Than  mutton,  or  oysters,  or  eggs : 
(Some  think  it  keeps  best  in  an  ivory  jar, 

And  some,  in  mahogany  kegs :) 


THE  BEAVER'S  LESSON.  1 65 

*  You  boil  it  in  sawdust :  you  salt  it  in  glue  : 

You  condense  it  with  locusts  and  tape : 
Still  keeping  one  principal  object  in  view — 

To  preserve  its  symmetrical  shape." 

The  Butcher  would  gladly  have  talked  till  next  day, 

But  he  felt  that  the  Lesson  must  end, 
And  he  wept  with  delight  in  attempting  to  say 

He  considered  the  Beaver  his  friend : 

While  the  Beaver  confessed,  with  affectionate  looks 

More  eloquent  even  than  tears, 
It  had  learned  in  ten  minutes  far  more  than  all  books 

Would  have  taught  it  in  seventy  years. 

They  returned  hand-in- hand,  and  the  Bellman,  unmanned 

(For  a  moment)  with  noble  emotion. 
Said  "This  amply  repays  all  the  wearisome  days 

We  have  spent  on  the  billowy  ocean  ! " 

Such  friends,  as  the  Beaver  and  Butcher  became, 

Have  seldom  if  ever  been  known  : 
In  winter  or  summer,  'twas  always  the  same — 

You  could  never  meet  either  alone. 


l66  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK 

And  wlien   quarrels  arose— as  one  frequently  finds 
Quarrels  will,  spite  of  every  endeavour — 

The  song  of  the  Jubjub  recurred  to  their  minds, 
And  cemented  their  friendship  for  ever! 


fit  tbe  Siytb. 

THE  BARRISTER'S  DREAM. 

They  sought  it  with  thimbles,  they  sought  it  with  care ; 

They  pursued  it  with  forks  and  hope ; 
They  threatened  its  Hfe  with  a  railway-share ; 

They  charmed  it  with  smiles  and  soap. 

But  the  Barrister,   weary  of  proving  in  vain 
That  the  Beaver's  lace-making  was  wrong, 

Fell  asleep,  and  in  dreams  saw  the  creature   quite  plain 
That  his  fancy  had  dwelt  on  so  long. 

He  dreamed  that  he  stood  in  a  shadowy  Court, 
Where  the  Snark,  with  a  glass  in  its  eye, 

Dressed  in  gown,  bands,  and  wig,  was  defending  a  pig 
On  the  charge  of  deserting  its  sty. 


THE  BARRISTER'S  DREAM.  1 69 

The  AVitnesses  proved,  without  error  or  flaw, 

That  the  sty  was  deserted  when  found  : 
And  the  Judge  kept  explaining  the  state  of  the  law 

In  a  soft  under-current  of  sound. 

The  indictment  had  never  been  clearly  expressed, 
And  it  seemed  that   the  Snark  had  begun, 

And  had  spoken  three  hours,  before  any  one  guessed 
What  the  pig  was  supposed   to  have  done. 

The  Jury  had  each  formed  a  different  view 

(Long  before  the  indictment  was   read), 
And  they  all  spoke  at  once,  so   that   none  of  them  knew 

One  word  that  the  others  had  said. 

"  You  must   know—"  said  the  Judge  :  but  the  Snark 
exclaimed  "  Fudge  ! 

That   statute  is  obsolete   quite  ! 
Let  me   tell  you,  my  friends,  the   whole  question  depends 

On  an  ancient  manorial  right. 

"  In  the  matter  of  Treason  the  pig  would  appear 
To  have  aided,  but  scarcely  abetted  : 

z 


I  Jo  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK. 

While  the  charge  of  Insolvency  fails,  it  is  clear, 
If  you  grant  the  plea  'never  indebted' 

The  fact  of  Desertion  I  will  not  dispute  : 
But  its  guilt,  as  I  trust,  is  removed 
(So  far  as  relates  to  the  costs  of  this  suit) 
By  the  Ahbi  which  has  been  proved. 

*'■  My  poor  client's  fate  now  depends  on  your  votes." 
Here  the  speaker  sat  down  in  his  place. 

And  directed  the  Judge  to  refer  to  his  notes 
And  briefly  to  sum  up  the  case. 

But  the  Judge  said  he  never  had  summed  up  before ; 

So  the  Snark  undertook  it  instead, 
And  summed  it  so  well  that  it  came  to  far  more 

Than  the  Witnesses  ever  had  said  ! 

When  the  verdict  was  called  for,  the  Jury  declined. 
As  the  word  was  so  puzzling  to  spell ; 

But  they  ventured   to  hope  that  the  Snark  wouldn't 
mind 
Undertaking  that  duty  as  well. 


THE  BARRISTER'S  DREAM.  I  7 1 

So  the  Snark  found  the  verdict,  although,  as  it  owned. 

It  was  spent  with  the  toils  of  the   day: 
When  it  said  the  word  "  GUILTY  !"  the  Jury  all  groaned 

And  some  of  them  fainted  away. 

Then  the  Snark  pronounced  sentence,  the  Judge 
being  quite 

Too  nervous  to  utter  a  word  : 
When  it  rose  to  its  feet,  there  was  silence  like  night, 

And  the  fall  of  a  pin  might  be  heard. 

*'  Transportation  for  life "   was  the  sentence  it  gave, 

"And  theti  to  be  fined  forty  pound." 
The  Jury  all  cheered,  though  the  Judge   said  he  feared 

That  the  phrase  was  not  legally  sound. 

But  their  wild  exultation  was  suddenly  checked 
When  the  jailer  informed  them,   with  tears. 

Such  a  sentence  would  have  not  the  slightest  effect, 
As  the  pig  had  been  dead  for  some  years. 

The  Judge  left  the  Court,  looking  deeply  disgusted  : 
But  the  Snark,  though  a  little  aghast, 


i;: 


THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK. 


As  the  lawyer  to  whom  the  defence  was  intrusted, 
Went  bellowing  on   to  the  last. 

Thus  the  Barrister  dreamed,  while  the   bellowing  seemed 

To  grow  every  moment   more  clear : 
Till  he  woke  to  the  knell  of  a  furious  bell, 

Which  the  Bellman  rang  close  at  his  ear. 


If  it   tbc  Scventb. 

THE  BANKERS  FATE. 

They  sought  it  with  thimbles,  they  sought  it  with  care  3 

They  pursued  it  with  forks  and  hope ; 
They  threatened  its  life  with  a  railway-share  j 

They  charmed  it  with  smiles  and  soap. 

And  the  Banker,  inspired  with  a  courage  so  new 

It  was  matter  for  general  remark, 
Rushed  madly  ahead  and  was  lost  to  their  view 

In  his  zeal  to  discover  the  Snark. 

But  while  he  was  seeking  with  thimbles  and  care, 

A  Bandersnatch  swiftly  drew  nigh 
And  grabbed  at  the  Banker,  who  shrieked  in  despair, 

For  he  knew  it  was  useless  to  fly. 


I  74  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK, 

He  offered  large  discount — he  offered  a  cheque 
(Drawn  *' to  bearer")  for  seven-pounds-ten: 

But  the  Bandersnatch  merely  extended  its  neck 
And  grabbed  at  the  Banker  again. 

"Without  rest  or  pause — while  those  frumious  jaws 

Went  savagely  snapping  around — 
He  skipped  and  he  hopped,  and  he  floundered  and  flopped, 

Till  fainting  he  fell  to  the  ground. 

The  Bandersnatch  fled  as  the  others  appeared 

Led  on  by  that  fear-stricken  yell : 
And  the  Bellman  remarked  *'  It  is  just  as  I  feared  !  '* 

And  solemnly  tolled  on  his  bell. 

He  was  black  in  the  face,  and  they  scarcely  could  trace 
The  least  likeness  to  what  he  had  been : 

While  so  great  was  his  fright  that  his  waistcoat  turned 
white — - 
A  wonderful  thing  to  be  seen  ! 

To  the  horror  of  all  who  were  present  that  day, 
He  uprose  in  full  evening  dress, 


I  76  THE  HCNTING  OF  THE  SNAKK. 

And   with  senseless  grimaces  endeavoured  to  say 
What  his  tongue  could  no  longer  express. 

Down  he  sank  in  a  chair — ran  his  hands  through    his 
hair — 

And  chanted  in  mimsiest  tones 
Words  whose  utter  inanity  proved  his  insanity, 

While  he  rattled  a  couple  of  bones. 

"  Leave  him  here  to  his  fate — it  is  getting  so  late  !  " 

The  Bellman  exclaimed  in  a  fright. 
"  We  have  lost  half  the  day.     Any  further  delay, 

And  we   sha'n't  catch  a  Snark  before  night !  " 


jfit   tbc  Cigbtb. 

THE   VANISHING. 

They  sought  it  with  thimbles,  they  sought  it  with  care 

They  pursued  it  with  forks  and  hope ; 
They  threatened  its  life  with  a  railway-share ; 

They  charmed  it  with  smiles  and  soap. 

They  shuddered  to  think  that  the  chase  might  fail, 

And  the  Beaver,   excited  at  last, 
Went  bounding  along  on  the  tip  of  its  tail, 

For  the  daylight  was  nearly  past. 

"There  is  Thingumbob  shouting!"  the  Bellman  said. 

"  He  is  shouting  like  mad,  only  hark ! 
He  is  waving  his  hands,  he  is  wagging  his  head. 

He  has  certainly  found   a  Snark  !  " 


I  78  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNAKK, 

They  gazed  in  delight,  while  the  Butcher  exclaimed 

"He  was  always  a  desperate  wag!" 
They  beheld  him — their  Baker — their  hero  unnamed- 

On  the  top  of  a  neighbouring  crag, 

Erect  and  sublime,  for  one  moment  of  time. 

In  the   next,   that  wild  figure  they  saw 
(As  if  stung  by  a  spasm)  plunge  into  a  chasm, 

While  they  waited  and  listened  in  awe. 

*'  It's  a  Snark  ! "  was  the  sound  that  first  came  to 
their   ears, 

And  seemed  almost  too  good  to  be  true. 
Then  followed  a  torrent  of  laughter  and  cheers  : 

Then  the  ominous  words  "  It's  a  Boo — " 

Then,  silence.     Some  fancied  they  heard  in  the  air 

A  weary  and  wandering  sigh 
That  sounded  like  " — jum  !  "  but  the  others  declare 

It  was  only  a  breeze  that  went  by. 

They  hunted  till  darkness  came  on,  but  they  found 
Not  a  button,  or  feather,  or  mark, 


THEN,    SILENCE 


l8o  THE  HUNTING  OF  THE  SNARK. 

By    which    they    could    tell    that    they    stood    on 
the  ground 
Where  the  Baker  had  met  with  the  Snark. 

In  the  midst  of  the  word  he  was  trying  to  say, 
In  the  midst  of  his  laughter  and  glee, 

He  had  softly  and  suddenly  vanished  away — 
For  the  Snark  ivas  a  Boojum,  you  see. 


SIZE    AND    TEARS, 


When  on  the  sandy  shore  I  sit, 
Beside  the  salt  sea-wave, 

And  fall  into  a  weeping  fit 
Because  I  dare  not  shave — 

A  little  whisper  at  my  ear 

Enquires  the  reason  of  my  fear. 


I  82  SIZE  AND  TEARS. 

I  answer  *'  If  that  ruffian   Jones 

Should  recognise  me  here, 
He'd  bellow  out  my  name  in  tones 

Offensive  to  the  ear : 
He  chaffs  me  so  on  being  stout 
(A  thing  that  always  puts  me  out)." 

Ah  me  !  I  see  him  on  the  cliff! 

Farewell,  farewell  to  hope, 
If  he  should  look  this  way,  and  if 

He's  got  his  telescope  ! 
To  whatsoever  place  I  flee, 
My  odious  rival  follows  me  ! 

For  every  night,  and  everywhere, 

I  meet  him  out  at  dinner ; 
And  when  I've  found  some  charming  fairj 

And  vow^ed  to  die  or  win  her, 
The  -wretch  (he's  thin  and  I  am  stout) 
Is  sure  to  come  and  cut  me  out  ! 

The  girls  (just  like  them  !)  all  agree 
To  praise  J.  Jones,  Esquire  : 


HES  THIN   AND   I   AM  STOUT  " 


1  84  ^^^^  ^^^  TEARS. 

I  ask  them  what  on  earth  they  see 

About  him  to  admire  ? 
They  cry  "  He  is  so  sleek  and  slim, 
It's  quite  a  treat  to  look  at  him  ! " 

They  vanish  in  tobacco  smoke, 

Those  visionary  maids — 
I  feel  a  sharp  and  sudden  poke 

Between  the  shoulder-blades — 
"Why,  Brown,  my  boy!    You're  growing   stout!' 
(I  told  you  he  would  find  me  out !) 

"  My  growth  is  not  your  business,  Sir  ! " 

*'No  more  it  is,  my  boy! 
But  if  it's  yours,  as  I  infer, 

Why,  Brown,   I  give  you  joy  ! 
A  man,  whose  business  prospers   so. 
Is  just  the  sort  of  man  to  know  ! 

"It's  hardly  safe,  though,  talking  here — 

I'd  best  get  out  of  reach : 
For  such  a  weight  as  yours,  I  fear. 

Must  shortly  sink  the  beach!" — 


SIZE  AND  TEARS. 


185 


Insult  me  thus  because  I'm  stout  ! 
1   vow  I'll  go  and  call  him  out  ! 


B   B 


ATALANTA    IN    CAMDEN-TOWN 


Ay,   'twas  here,  on  this   spot, 

In  that  summer  of  yore, 
Atalanta  did  not 

Vote  my  presence  a  bore, 
Nor  reply  to  my  tenderest  talk  ''She  had  heard  all   that 
nonsense  before." 


She'd  the  brooch  I  had  bought 

And  the  necklace  and  sash  or, 
And  her  heart,  as  I  thought, 
Was  alive  to  my  passion ; 
And    she'd    done    up    her   hair    in    the    style    that    the 
Empress  had  brought  into  fashion. 


ATA  L  ANT  A  JN  CAMDEN-TOWN. 


187 


li^ 


That 


I  had  been  to  the  play 

"With  my  pearl  of  a  Peri — • 
But,  for  all  I  could  say, 

She  declared  she  was  weary, 
"  the    place    was    so    crowded    and    hot,    and    she 
couldn't  abide  that  Dundreary." 


Then  I  thought  ''  'Tis  for  me 

That  she  whines  and  she  whimpers  !  " 
And   it   soothed  me   to  see 

Those  sensational  simpers, 


1  8  8  A  TALANTA  IN  CA  MDEN-  TO  J  VN. 

And    I    said    "  This   is   scrumptious  !  " — a    phrase     I     had 
learned  from  the  Devonshire  shrimpers. 

And  I  vowed   '"Twill  be  said 

I  'm   a  fortunate  fellow, 
When  the  breakfast  is  spread, 
When   the  topers  are  mellow, 
When    the     foam    of    the    bride-cake    is    white,    and    the 
fierce  orange-blossoms  are  yellow  1 " 

0  that   languishing  yawn  ! 
O   those  eloquent  eyes  ! 

1  was   drunk   with  the   dawn 
Of  a  splendid  surmise— 

I    was    stung   by   a    look,    I    was    slain    by   a    tear,    by    a 
tempest  of  sighs. 

And   I  whispered   "'Tis  time! 
Is  not   Love  at  its  deepest? 
Shall  we   squander   Life's  prime, 
W^hile   thou  waitest  and   weepest? 
Let  us  settle  it,   License  or  Banns  ? — though  undoubtedly 
Banns   are   the   cheapest." 


A  7\4LANTA  IN  CAMDEN-  TO  UN.  i  8  Q 

"Ah,   my  Hero,"   said   I, 

"  Let  me  be   thy  Leander  ! " 
But  I  lost   her  reply — 

Something  ending  with  "gander" — • 
For    the  omnibus    rattled    so  loud    that  no   mortal   could 
quite  understand  her. 


THE    LANG    COORTIN'. 


The  ladye  she  stood  at  her  lattice  high, 
"\Vi'   her  doggie  at  her  feet ; 

Thorough  the  lattice  she  can  spy 
The  passers  in  the  street. 

"  There's  one  that  standeth  at  the  door, 

And  tirleth  at  the  pin  : 
Now  speak  and  say,   my  popinjay, 

If  I  sail  let  him  in." 

Then  up  and  spake  the  popinjay 
That  flew  abune  her  head  : 

'  Gae  let  him  in  that  tirls  the  pin : 
He  cometh  thee  to  wed." 

O  when  he  cam'  the  parlour  in, 
A  woeful  man  was  he  ! 


THE  LANG  COO J< TIN' 


91 


''And  dinna  ye  ken  your  lover  agen, 
Sac  well  that  loveth  thee  ?  " 

''  And  how  wad   I  ken  ye  loved  me,   Sir, 

That  have  been  sae  lang  away? 
And  how  wad  I   ken  ye  loved  me,   Sir? 
Ye  never  telled  me  sae." 


Said — "Ladye  dear,"  and  the  salt,   salt  tear 
Cam'  rinnin'  doon  his  cheek, 
*'  I  have  sent  thee  tokens  of  my  love 
This  many  and  many  a  week. 


192  THE  LANG  COORTIN\ 

"  O  didna  ye  get  the  rings,   Ladye, 

The  rings  o'  the  gowd  sae  fine  ? 
I  wot  that  I  have  sent  to  thee 

Four   score,  four  score  and  nine." 

"  They  cam'  to  me,"  said  that  fair  ladye. 

"  Wow,  they  were  flimsie  things  !  " 
Said— "  that  chain  o'  gowd,   my  doggie  to  howd, 

It  is  made  o'   thae  self-same  rings." 

"And  didna  ye  get  the  locks,  the  locks, 

The  locks  o'   my  ain  black  hair, 
Whilk  I  sent  by  post,   whilk  I  sent  by  box, 
Whilk  I  sent  by  the  carrier?" 

"  They  cam'  to  me,"   said  that  fair  ladye  ; 
"And  I  prithee  send  nae  mair !  " 
Said — "  that  cushion  sae  red,  for  my  doggie's  head, 
It  is  stuffed  wi'  thae  locks  o'  hair." 

"And  didna  ye  get  the  letter,  Ladye, 
Tied  wi'  a  silken  string, 
AVhilk  I  sent  to  thee  frae  the  far  countrie, 
A  message  of  love  to  bring?" 


THE  LANG  COORTIN\ 

'  It  cam'  to  me  frae  the  far  countrie 

Wi'  its  silken  string  and  a'  ; 
But  it  wasna  prepaid,"   said  that  high-born  maid, 
"  Sae  I  gar'd  them  tak'  it  awa'." 

'  O  ever  alack  that  ye  sent  it  back, 

It  was  written  sae  clerkly  and  well  ! 
Now  the  message  it  brought,  and  the  boon   that  it 
sought, 
I  must  even  say  it  mysel'." 

Then  up  and  spake  the  popinjay, 

Sae  wisely  counselled  he. 
"Now  say  it  in  the  proper  way: 
Gae  doon  upon  thy  knee  1  " 

The  lover  he  turned  baith  red  and  pale, 

Went  doon  upon  his  knee : 
*'  O  Ladye,  hear  the  waesome  tale 
That  mu..t  be  told  to  thee! 

"For  five  lang  years,  and  five  lang  years, 
I  coorted  thee  by  looks; 
By  nods  and  winks,  by  smiles  and  tears, 
As  I  had  read  in  books. 

c  c 


93 


194 


THE  LANG  COOK  TIN'. 

*'  For  ten  lang  years,  O  weary  hours  ! 
I  coorted  thee  by    signs  ; 
By  sending  game,   by  sending  flowers, 
By  sending  Valentines. 

"  For  five  lang  years,  and  five  lang   years, 
I  have  dwelt  in  the  far  countrie, 
Till  that  thy  mind  should  be  inclined 
Mair  tenderly  to  me. 

"  Now  thirty  years  are  gane  and  past, 
I  am  come  frae  a  foreign  land  : 
I  am  come  to  tell  thee  my  love  at  last — 
O  Ladye,  gie  me  thy  hand  !  " 

The  ladye  she  turned  not  pale  nor  red, 

But  she  smiled  a   pitiful  smile  : 
''  Sic'  a  coortin'  as  yours,   my  man,"   she  said 
•'  Takes  a  lang  and  a  weary  while  ! " 

And  out  and  laughed  the  popinjay, 

A  laugh  of  bitter  scorn  : 
"  A  coortin'  done  in  sic'  a  way. 
It  ouc'ht  not  to  be  borne!" 


:^//^-//^  vi;  7/^  y///^y-^y/v  ///;'VJ!/ 


•'and   out   and  LAUC;HEn   THR    POPINJAY  " 


196  THE  LANG  COORTJN'. 

Wi'  that  the  doggie  barked  aloud, 

And  up  and  doon  he  ran, 
And  tugged  and  strained  his  chain  o'  gowd, 

All  for  to  bite  the  man. 

*'  O  hush  thee,  gentle  popinjay  ! 
O  hush  thee,  doggie  dear ! 
There  is  a  word  I  fain  wad  say. 
It  needeth  he  should  hear !  " 

Aye  louder  screamed  that  ladye  fair 
To  drown  her  doggie's  bark: 

Ever  the  lover  shouted  mair 
To  make  that  ladye  hark  : 

Shrill  and  more  shrill  the  popinjay 

Upraised  his  angry  squall : 
I  trow  the  doggie's  voice  that  day 

Was  louder  than  them  all ! 

The  serving-men  and  serving-maids 

Sat  by  the  kitchen  fire  : 
They  heard  sic'  a  din  the  parlour  within 

As  made  them  much  admire. 


O    HUSH    THEE,    GENTLE    POPINJAY  !" 


I  98  THE  LANG  COORTIN\ 

Out  spake  the  boy  in  buttons 
(I  ween  he  wasna  thin), 
"Now  wha  will  tae  the  parlour  gae, 
And   stay  this  deadlie  din  ? " 

And  they  have  taen  a  kerchief, 

Casted  their  kevils  in, 
For  wha  should  tae  the  parlour  gae. 

And  stay  that  deadlie  din. 

When  on  that  boy  the  kevil  fell 
To  stay  the  fearsome  noise, 
"Gae  in,"  they  cried,   "whate'tr  betide, 
Thou  prince  of  button-boys!" 

Syne,  he  has  taen  a  supple  cane 
To  swinge  that  dog  sae  fat : 

The  doggie  yowled    the  doggie  howled 
The  louder  aye  for  that. 

Syne,  he  has  taen  a  mutton-bane — 
The  doggie  ceased  his  noise. 

And  followed  doon  the  kitchen  stair 
That  prince  of  button-boys  ! 


THE   DOGGIE   CEASED    HIS    NOISE 


200  THE  LANG  COORTIN\ 

Then  sadly  spake  that  ladye  fair, 
Wi'  a  frown  upon  her  brow  : 
"  O  dearer  to  me  is  my  sma'  doggie 
Than  a  dozen  sic'  as  thou  ! 

*'  Nae  use,  nae  use  lOr  sighs  and  tears  : 
Nae  use  at  all  to  fret : 
Sin'  ye  've  bided  sae  well  for  thirty  years, 
Ye  may  bide  a  wee  langer   yet  !  " 

Sadly,  sadly  he  crossed  the  floor 

And  tirled  at  the  pin  : 
Sadly  went   he  through  the  door 

Where  sadly  he  cam'   in. 

"  O  gin  I  had  a  popinjay 

To  fly  abune  my  head, 
To  tell  me  what   I   ought  to  say, 
I  had  by  this  been  wed. 

"  O  gin  I  find  anither  ladye," 

He  said  wi'  sighs  and  tears, 

"  I  wot  my  coortin'   sail  not  be 
Anither  thirty  years : 


THE  LANG  C00RT1N\ 


20I 


"  For  gin  I  find  a  ladye  gay, 
Exactly  to  my  taste, 
I  '11  pop  the  question,  aye  or  nay, 
In  twenty  years  at  maist." 


D    D 


FOUR  RIDDLES. 


[These  consist  of  two  Double  Acrostics  and  two  Charades. 

No.  I.  was  written  at  the  request  of  some  young  friends, 
who  had  gone  to  a  ball  at  an  Oxford  Commemoration — 
and  also  as  a  specimen  of  what  might  be  done  by  making 
the  Double  Acrostic  a  coujiected  poem  instead  of  what  it  has 
hitherto  been,  a  string  of  disjointed  stanzas,  on  every  con- 
ceivable subject,  and  about  as  interesting  to  read  straight 
through  as  a  page  of  a  Cyclopaedia.  The  first  two  stanzas 
describe  the  two  main  words,  and  each  subsequent  stanza 
one  of  the  cross  "  lights." 

No.  11.  was  written  after  seeing  Miss  Ellen  Terry  perform 
in  the  play  of  "  Hamlet."  In  this  case  the  first  stanza 
describes  the  two  main  words. 

No.  III.  was  written  after  seeing  Miss  Marion  Terry 
perform  in  Mr.  Gilbert's  play  of  "Pygmalion  and  Galatea." 
The  three  stanzas  respectively  describe  "  My  First,"  "  My 
Second,"  and  *'  My  Whole."] 

I. 

There  was  an  ancient  City,  stricken  down 

With  a  strange  frenzy,  and  for  many  a  day 
They  paced  from  morn  to  eve  the  crowded  town, 
And  danced  the  night  away. 


FOUR  RIDDLES.  203 

I  asked  the  cause :  the  aged  man  grew  sad  : 
They  pointed  to  a  building  gray  and  tall, 
And  hoarsely  answered  "Step  inside,  my  lad, 
And  then  you'll  see  it  all." 


Yet  what  are  all  such  gaieties  to  me 

Whose  thoughts  are  full  of  indices  and  surds? 

x'  +  7-^  +  53 

II 

But  something  whispered  "  It  will  soon  be  done  : 

Bands  cannot  always  play,  nor  ladies  smile  : 
Endure  with  patience  the  distasteful  fun 
For  just  a  little  while  ! " 

A  change  came  o'er  my   Vision — it  was   night : 

We  clove  a  pathway  through  a  frantic  throng  : 
The  steeds,  wild-plunging,   filled   us   with  aftright : 
The  chariots  whirled  along. 

Within  a  marble  hall  a  river  ran — 

A  living  tide,   half  muslin  and   half  cloth : 
And  here  one  mourned  a  broken  wreath  or  fan, 
Yet  swallowed  down  her  wrath ; 


204  FOUR  KIDDLES. 

And  here  one  offered  to  a  thirsty  fair 

(His  words  half-drowned  amid  those  thunders  tuneful) 
Some  frozen  viand  (there  were  many  there), 
A  tooth- ache  in  each  spoonful. 

There  comes  a  happy  pause,  for  human  strength 

Will  not  endure  to  dance  without  cessation ; 
And  every  one  must  reach  the  point  at  length 
Of  absolute  prostration. 

At  such  a  moment  ladies  learn  to  give, 

To  partners  who  v\^ould  urge  them  over-much, 
A  flat  and  yet  decided  negative — 

Photographers  love  such. 

There  comes  a  welcome  summons — hope  revives. 

And  fading  eyes  grow  bright,  and  pulses  quicken : 
Incessant  pop  the  corks,  and  busy  knives 

Dispense  the  tongue  and  chicken. 

Flushed  with  new  life,  the  crowd  flows  back  again: 

And  all  is  tangled  talk  and  mazy  motion — 
Much  like  a  waving  field  of  golden  grain, 
Or  a  tempestuous  ocean. 


FOUR  RIDDLES.  20^ 

And  thus  they  give  the  time,  that  Nature  meant 

For  peaceful  sleep  and  meditative  snores, 
To  ceaseless  din  and  mindless  merriment 

And  waste  of  shoes  and  floors. 

And  One  (we  name  him  not)  that  flies  the  flowers, 

That  dreads  the  dances,  and  that  shuns  the  salads. 
They  doom  to  pass  in  solitude  the  hours, 
Writing  acrostic-ballads. 

How  late  it  grows  !  The  hour  is  surely  past 

That  should  have  warned  us  with  its  double-knock  ? 
The  twilight  wanes,  and  morning  comes  at  last— 
"Oh,   Uncle,  what's  o'clock?" 

The  Uncle  gravely  nods,  and  wisely  Avinks. 

It  may  mean  much,  but  how  is  one  to  know? 
He  opes  his  mouth— yet  out  of  it,  methinks, 
No  words  of  wisdom  flow. 


206  FOUR  KIDDLES. 


II. 


Empress  of  Art,  for  thee  I  twine 

This  wreath  with  all  too  slender  skill. 

Forgive  my  Muse  each  halting  line, 
And  for  the  deed  accept  the  will ! 


O  day  of  tears  !  Whence  comes  this  spectre  grim, 
Parting,  like  Death's  cold  river,   souls  that  love  ? 

Is  not  he  bound  to   thee,  as  thou  to  him, 
By  vows,  unwhispered  here,  yet  heard  above  ? 

And  still  it  lives,  that  keen  and  heavenward  flame, 
Lives  in  his  eye,  and  trembles  in  his  tone  : 

And  these  wild  words  of  fury  but  proclaim 
A  heart  that  beats  for  thee,  for  thee  alone  ! 

But  all  is  lost :  that  mighty  mind  o'erthrown, 
Like  sweet  bells  jangled,  piteous  sight  to  see  1 

''  Doubt  that  the  stars  are  fire,"  so  runs  his  moan, 
"  Doubt  Truth  herself,  but  not  my  love  for  thee  1  " 


FOUR  RIDDLES. 

A  sadder  vision  yet :  tliine  aged  sire 

Shaming  his  hoary  locks  with  treacherous  wile  ! 
And  dost  thou  now  doubt  Truth  to  be  a  liar? 

And  wilt  thou  die,  that  hast  forgot  to  smile? 

Nay,  get  thee  hence !  Leave  all  thy  winsome  ways 
And  the  faint  fragance  of  thy  scattered  flowers : 

In  holy  silence  wait  the  appointed  days, 
And  weep  away  the  leaden-footed  hours. 


207 


III. 

The  air  is  bright  with  hues  of  light 

And  rich  with  laughter  and  with  singing  : 

Young  hearts  beat  high  in  ecstasy, 

And  banners  wave,  and  bells  are  ringing 

But  silence   falls  with  fading  day, 

And  there's  an  end  to  mirth  and  play. 
Ah,  well-a-day ! 

Rest  your  old  bones,  ye  wrinkled  crones  ! 
The  kettle  sings,  the  firelight  dances. 


2o8  FOUR  RIDDLES. 

iJeep  be  it  quaffed,  the  magic  draught 

That  fills  the  soul  with  golden  fancies  ! 
For  Youth  and  Pleasance  will  not  stay, 
And  ye  are  withered,  worn,  and  gray. 
Ah,  well-a-day  ! 

O  fair  cold  face  !    O  form  of  grace, 
For  human  passion  madly  yearning ! 

O  weary  air  of  dumb  despair, 

From  marble  won,   to  marble  turning  ! 

"Leave  us   not  thus!"  we  fondly  pray. 

'-  We  cannot  let  thee  pass  away  !  " 
Ah,  well-a-day  ! 


IV. 

My  First  is  singular  at   best : 

More  plural  is  my  Second  : 
My  Third  is  far  the  pluralest — 
So  plural-plural,   I  protest 

It  scarcely  can  be  reckoned  ! 


FOUR  RIDDLES.  209 

My  First  is  followed  by  a  bird  : 

My  Second  by  believers 
In  magic  art :  my  simple  Third 
Follows,  too  often,  hopes  absurd 

And  plausible  deceivers. 

My  First  to  get  at  wisdom  tries — 

A  failure  melancholy  ! 
My  Second  men  revered  as  wise  : 
My  Third  from  heights  of  wisdom  flies 

To  depths  of  frantic  folly. 

My  First  is  ageing  day  by  day : 

My  Second's  age  is  ended : 
My  Third  enjoys  an  age,  they  say, 
That  never  seems  to  fade  away, 

Through  centuries  extended. 

My  Whole  ?    I  need   a   poet's  pen 

To  paint  her  myriad   phases : 
The  monarch,  and  the  slave,  of  men — 
A  mountain-summit,  and    a  den 

Of  dark  and  deadly  mazes — 

E   E 


2  10  FOUR  RIDDLES. 

A  flashing  light — a  fleeting  shade — 

Beginning,  end,  and  middle 
Of  all  that  human  art  hath  made 
Or  wit  devised  !     Go,  seek  hei-  aid, 
If  you   would   read  my  riddle  I 


FAME'S  PENNY-TRUMPET. 


[Affectionately  dedicated  to  all  '•  original  researchers 
who  pant  for  "endowment."] 

Blow,   blow  your  trumpets  till  they  crack, 

Ye  little  men  of  little  souls  ! 
And  bid  them  huddle  at  your  back — ■ 

Gold-sucking  leeches,  shoals  on  shoals  ! 

Fill  all  the  air  with  hungry  wails— 
"  Reward  us,  ere  we  think  or  write! 

Without  your  Gold  mere  Knowledge  fails 
To  sate  the  swinish  appetite  !  " 

And,  where  great  Plato  paced  serene, 
Or  Newton  paused  with  wistful  eye, 

Rush  to  the  chace  with  hoofs  unclean 
And  Babel- clamour  of  the  sty! 


2  1  2  FAME 'S  PENNY-  TR UMPE T. 

Be  yours  the  pay :  be  theirs  the  praise : 
We  will  not  rob  them  of  their  due, 

Nor  vex  the  ghosts  of  other  days 
By  naming  them  along  with  you. 

They  sought  and  round  undying  fame : 
They  toiled  not  for  reward  nor  thanks  : 

Their  cheeks  are  hot  with  honest    shame 
For  you,  the  modern  mountebanks  ! 

Who  preach  of  Justice — plead  \vith  tears 
That   Love  and   Mercy  should  abound — 

While  marking  with  complacent  ears 
The  moaning  of  some  tortured  hound : 

AVho  prate  of  Wisdom — nay,  forbear, 
Lest  Wisdom   turn  on  you  in  wrath, 

Trampling,  with  heel  that  will  not  spare, 
The  vermm  that  beset  her  path  ! 

Go,  throng  each  other's  drawing-rooms, 

Ye  idols  of  a  petty  clique  : 
Strut  your  brief  hour  in  borrowed  plumes, 

And  make  your  penny-trumpets  squeak : 


"go,  throng  each  othek's  ukawing-rooms  " 


2  14  FAME 'S  PENNY-  TR UMPE T. 

Deck  your  dull  talk  with  pilfered  shreds 
Of  learning  from  a  nobler  time, 

And  oil  each  other's  little  heads 

With  mutual    Flattery's  golden  slime: 

And  when  the  topmost  height  ye  gain, 
And  stand  in   Glory's  ether  clear, 

And  grasp  the  prize  of  all  your  pain — 
So  many  hundred  pounds  a  year — 

Then  let  Fame's  banner  be  unfurled  ! 

Sing  Paeans  for  a  victory  won  ! 
Ye  tapers,  that  w^ould  light  the  world, 

And  cast  a  shadow  on  the  Sun — 

Who  still  shall  pour  His  rays  sublime. 
One  crystal  flood,  from  East  to  West, 

When  ye  have  burned  your  little  time 
And  feebly  flickered  into  rest  1 

THE    END. 


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